I didn't receive compassion as a child. My Dad was bitter and depressed and absent most of the time. There was no one else who cared about me. I remember a time when I had some sort of stomach flu and I was walking across the kitchen when I "lost it" and threw up on the floor. My step-mother rushed at me- knocked me down- grabbed the hair on the back of my head and slammed my face into the vomit. She cursed me, slapped me and then threw a bucket and some rags at me and told me to clean that filth up.
I learned early to hide the fact that I was sick and I still struggle to this day to admit it when I am in pain.
Years later when I had children of my own, unfortunately I just didn't know how to act with compassion when they were sick. I honestly didn't know what to do. That may sound weird- as tho' compassion ought to be instinctive but I think much of it may be learned from seeing it modeled and I never saw it. I feel that I made some progress with my own kids because I wasn't abusive when they were sick but I was unemotional. The message I sent was "If you are sick- go to bed". I didn't fuss over them a lot. My daughter has 8 kids and she has pretty much the same attitude- maybe a bit more gentle than I was- and that is good.
As God has been healing my broken places I have found myself feeling more compassion. It feels a bit awkward sometimes but for the most part I like it. Sometimes I find myself feeling immense sadness and I have never allowed myself that before either. Both of those emotions can make me feel vulnerable. I do believe that God created us as emotional creatures and we are most alive when we can allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum.
I saw an illustration once of a water spigot with a little face on it and the accompanying text said that when we shut off the flow of some emotions and don't allow ourselves to feel them- we also shut off the flow of the pleasant emotions like love and joy. They all flow through the same spigot. You can't shut off some emotions without missing out on others. Peace is a calm, soothing, very pleasing sensation and I want more of it to flow thru my life. So, that means I have to open the faucet and allow myself to feel some of everything.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Authenticity
One thing I hated about my family was our double life. Behind closed doors my step-mother was bitter and angry and every other word was a curse but if a visitor arrived suddenly my step-mother would become all syrupy sweet. She would talk to me firmly but politely. Then after company left her tone of voice would change and she would slap me up side the head and tell me to get out of her sight cause I was making her sick!
It was so confusing to me at first. I had never met anyone before that would have an instant personality change like that. I understood, even as a child, that grown-ups got tired and crabby but this was something else. This was false- phony- deceptive and I grew to hate it. I resolved even as a young child to never pretend to be something I wasn't.
God delights in authenticity.
Psalm 51 says that God desires truth in the innermost parts of my being.
A friend gave me a book of poems once as a gift and she wrote inside the cover
"What you would seem to be--be really."
No conflict, nothing pretentious. It is necessary for inner peace.
It was so confusing to me at first. I had never met anyone before that would have an instant personality change like that. I understood, even as a child, that grown-ups got tired and crabby but this was something else. This was false- phony- deceptive and I grew to hate it. I resolved even as a young child to never pretend to be something I wasn't.
God delights in authenticity.
Psalm 51 says that God desires truth in the innermost parts of my being.
A friend gave me a book of poems once as a gift and she wrote inside the cover
"What you would seem to be--be really."
No conflict, nothing pretentious. It is necessary for inner peace.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Lost Art of Waiting
I remember the day when we would write a letter longhand, fold it, address the envelope, lick the stamp and the edge of the envelope, put it in the mail and wait 10 to 14 days for a reply. Today we send a text message and if we don't hear back in 5 minutes we get impatient! We've forgotten how to wait.
If you consider that we have grown up watching TV shows where a problem arises and a half hour later everything is fine and they all live happily ever after- well, is it any wonder that we want instant fixes? We've come to expect things to happen fast.
The real treasures that are found in relationship with God require diligence. The disciplines that will bring about true wisdom and understanding require many, many hours of reading and pondering. There is no microwave version. It is all slow simmering.
I think our fast moving culture, our busy lives and our expectations of a quick return for every effort work against us mining the deep, rich treasures in God's word. We don't know how to wait or rest and we don't want to sit still (or we are so highly caffeinated that we can't). We've forgotten how to think deeply and we have also lost the art of deep conversation.
We are going faster but we are just skimming the surface of life.
If you consider that we have grown up watching TV shows where a problem arises and a half hour later everything is fine and they all live happily ever after- well, is it any wonder that we want instant fixes? We've come to expect things to happen fast.
The real treasures that are found in relationship with God require diligence. The disciplines that will bring about true wisdom and understanding require many, many hours of reading and pondering. There is no microwave version. It is all slow simmering.
I think our fast moving culture, our busy lives and our expectations of a quick return for every effort work against us mining the deep, rich treasures in God's word. We don't know how to wait or rest and we don't want to sit still (or we are so highly caffeinated that we can't). We've forgotten how to think deeply and we have also lost the art of deep conversation.
We are going faster but we are just skimming the surface of life.
The Lost Art of Rest
I have been struck recently by the number of women who tell me that they cannot sleep at night. One middle aged friend is learning a new computer program and the stress level at work is very high. She has family demands at home and when evening comes she is utterly exhausted but night after night she finds that sleeps eludes her. She tosses and turns from 3 am until she rises to face another stress-filled exhausting day.
On Sunday I approached a gal in her 20's and asked her about whether or not she could join us at the Bible study she had signed up for. She told me she hasn't been able to sleep and the idea of going somewhere in the evening didn't appeal to her. She is exhausted and she is young.
What are we doing that is so important? Why do we need to run so fast? Are we trying to pack more into life? Is that why we have so many highly caffeinated drinks available to us?
We even come back from our vacations exhausted! What is wrong with this picture?
We are driven. We don't even know why. We have never known any other way. Many people are missing the entire point of why they have been given life.
They are running frantically day after exhausting day. But the trouble is- the day is fast approaching when they are going to stand before Almighty God and get the shock of their life. They are going to discover that He wanted us to stop striving to impress people and acquire stuff and take time to know Him as Lord.
I grieve over the frantic pace of people's lives and the futility of it all. The enemy of God has deceived us into thinking we MUST get all sorts of (earthly) things done and that we simply don't have time to consider the deeper things of life.
On Sunday I approached a gal in her 20's and asked her about whether or not she could join us at the Bible study she had signed up for. She told me she hasn't been able to sleep and the idea of going somewhere in the evening didn't appeal to her. She is exhausted and she is young.
What are we doing that is so important? Why do we need to run so fast? Are we trying to pack more into life? Is that why we have so many highly caffeinated drinks available to us?
We even come back from our vacations exhausted! What is wrong with this picture?
We are driven. We don't even know why. We have never known any other way. Many people are missing the entire point of why they have been given life.
They are running frantically day after exhausting day. But the trouble is- the day is fast approaching when they are going to stand before Almighty God and get the shock of their life. They are going to discover that He wanted us to stop striving to impress people and acquire stuff and take time to know Him as Lord.
I grieve over the frantic pace of people's lives and the futility of it all. The enemy of God has deceived us into thinking we MUST get all sorts of (earthly) things done and that we simply don't have time to consider the deeper things of life.
Peace Isn't Circumstantial
Somedays I feel such a peace and calm and it has nothing to do with my circumstances. One day I stepped on the scale and got a good number. The thought occured to me- I am not feeling peace because the scale gave me a good number- the scale gave me a good number because I am feeling peace. The good results on the scale was the fruit of being at peace. That seems like the way it ought to be. Find inner peace and the rest of life's struggles fall into place.
Another benefit of inner peace is that it gives glory to God. Recently I worked through some painful memories and it occured to me that when I am stressed, rebellious, living in sin, overwhelmed by life, running around like a chicken with my head cut off... like most Americans are these days, I am actually stealing something from God. I belong to Him, He created me to enjoy a relationship with Him forever, and if I am living a life of chaos- then He doesn't get to enjoy what is rightfully His.
I imagined it to be similar to companionship with a dog. Suppose I purchased one at great cost. My primary goal was to enjoy companionship with it. Then suppose someone stole it from me and abused it, neglected it, robbed me of my enjoyment of it. Imagine that ten years later the dog was restored to me- at the end of its life. I would have been robbed of valuable time and the one thing that I longed for-companionship.
If we compared this to our relationship with God, we see that He purchased us at great cost to Himself and we are rightfully His. Suppose we live in bondage all of our lives to sin and wrong thinking- then we are robbing Him of the companionship He so desires. Even if we truly are saved from eternal separation and we are restored to Him at the end of life -we have still missed out on the pleasure of enjoying a deep satisfying relationship with God during our earthly life.
We have all heard stories on the news of children who have been stolen and sometimes we hear of one being returned- but I would guess that life is never the same and there is always pain associated with the lost years.
I want to enjoy God now while I am alive. I want to trust Him, rely on Him, study His Word and learn more about what pleases Him. Spending time with Him gives me peace and calms my soul.
Recently I rented a small cabin at Green Valley State Park near Creston and a huge storm blew up complete with tornado. The ranger drove up to my cabin and told me where to take shelter if I heard the sirens go off because the cabin wasn't storm proof. I smiled and told him that I believed my life was in God's hands every single day and that if the Lord decided to take me out in a tornado- I figured He could do it whether I was hiding in a concrete bathroom building or sitting on the porch enjoying the storm. And I meant it- I felt peace. I was not afraid of the storm. God knows the path of every tornado and lightning bolt. My trust is in Him and not the camp bathroom building.
Another benefit of inner peace is that it gives glory to God. Recently I worked through some painful memories and it occured to me that when I am stressed, rebellious, living in sin, overwhelmed by life, running around like a chicken with my head cut off... like most Americans are these days, I am actually stealing something from God. I belong to Him, He created me to enjoy a relationship with Him forever, and if I am living a life of chaos- then He doesn't get to enjoy what is rightfully His.
I imagined it to be similar to companionship with a dog. Suppose I purchased one at great cost. My primary goal was to enjoy companionship with it. Then suppose someone stole it from me and abused it, neglected it, robbed me of my enjoyment of it. Imagine that ten years later the dog was restored to me- at the end of its life. I would have been robbed of valuable time and the one thing that I longed for-companionship.
If we compared this to our relationship with God, we see that He purchased us at great cost to Himself and we are rightfully His. Suppose we live in bondage all of our lives to sin and wrong thinking- then we are robbing Him of the companionship He so desires. Even if we truly are saved from eternal separation and we are restored to Him at the end of life -we have still missed out on the pleasure of enjoying a deep satisfying relationship with God during our earthly life.
We have all heard stories on the news of children who have been stolen and sometimes we hear of one being returned- but I would guess that life is never the same and there is always pain associated with the lost years.
I want to enjoy God now while I am alive. I want to trust Him, rely on Him, study His Word and learn more about what pleases Him. Spending time with Him gives me peace and calms my soul.
Recently I rented a small cabin at Green Valley State Park near Creston and a huge storm blew up complete with tornado. The ranger drove up to my cabin and told me where to take shelter if I heard the sirens go off because the cabin wasn't storm proof. I smiled and told him that I believed my life was in God's hands every single day and that if the Lord decided to take me out in a tornado- I figured He could do it whether I was hiding in a concrete bathroom building or sitting on the porch enjoying the storm. And I meant it- I felt peace. I was not afraid of the storm. God knows the path of every tornado and lightning bolt. My trust is in Him and not the camp bathroom building.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Mind Numbing Pain
I met a woman this week. She doesn't live around here. She drove several hours to come and talk to me. She said she needed a Christian woman to bare her soul to. Her story was so embarassing to her that she couldn't tell anyone in her own church or community.
As I listened to her story I wept. My brain was racing with prayer. "Oh Dear God! You have to help me here! I am so over my head! How can I possibly counsel her?"
Her appearance was pleasant, her clothing fashionable and nice, her handbag was fine leather, her shoes and hair...her car, all excellent, high quality. She was slim and healthy but inside of her heart was the deadly poison of unforgiveness. And she had no peace. Her soul was tormented by her inability to forgive. She had tried over and over.
The sin that was committed against her staggered my mind. I felt as tho' I had been punched in the gut- I scarcely could breathe as I listened while she calmly told the story.
The horrible sins that humanity is capable of just grieves me to the core. It is terrifying because I am capable of horrible sin too and I know it.
Years ago my pastors were teaching a series on the ten commandments. It was Friday afternoon and I was working in the church office while a pastor studied in his room. He came out for a break and I asked "What commandments are you teaching on this week?" "Thou shalt not kill." he answered. "Well," I began "at least that's one commandment I haven't..." but then I stopped without finishing the sentence because I remembered the abortion. We looked at each other awkwardly. It hit me- I have broken all of the commandments.
I have been at the bottom of the pit. I've committed every sort of evil. It is an astounding thing to me that God was willing to reach down into the filth - lift me up- wash me off- and adopt me as His own child, to give my life purpose and meaning.
No sin is too ugly to forgive. And when I am faced with sin that is so dark that my mind feels numb with the pain and horror of it, I can pray, with hope, that the sinner will repent! I can pray that he will have a fear- even a terror- of facing God Almighty and giving an account for his deeds.
The trouble is- the man in this woman's story is well known in his community, a key leader even in his church. He thinks he is very wealthy and powerful but unless he empties himself and cries out to God- he is in for a horrible shock.
The most precious jewel in all the world is a healthy fear of God.
As I listened to her story I wept. My brain was racing with prayer. "Oh Dear God! You have to help me here! I am so over my head! How can I possibly counsel her?"
Her appearance was pleasant, her clothing fashionable and nice, her handbag was fine leather, her shoes and hair...her car, all excellent, high quality. She was slim and healthy but inside of her heart was the deadly poison of unforgiveness. And she had no peace. Her soul was tormented by her inability to forgive. She had tried over and over.
The sin that was committed against her staggered my mind. I felt as tho' I had been punched in the gut- I scarcely could breathe as I listened while she calmly told the story.
The horrible sins that humanity is capable of just grieves me to the core. It is terrifying because I am capable of horrible sin too and I know it.
Years ago my pastors were teaching a series on the ten commandments. It was Friday afternoon and I was working in the church office while a pastor studied in his room. He came out for a break and I asked "What commandments are you teaching on this week?" "Thou shalt not kill." he answered. "Well," I began "at least that's one commandment I haven't..." but then I stopped without finishing the sentence because I remembered the abortion. We looked at each other awkwardly. It hit me- I have broken all of the commandments.
I have been at the bottom of the pit. I've committed every sort of evil. It is an astounding thing to me that God was willing to reach down into the filth - lift me up- wash me off- and adopt me as His own child, to give my life purpose and meaning.
No sin is too ugly to forgive. And when I am faced with sin that is so dark that my mind feels numb with the pain and horror of it, I can pray, with hope, that the sinner will repent! I can pray that he will have a fear- even a terror- of facing God Almighty and giving an account for his deeds.
The trouble is- the man in this woman's story is well known in his community, a key leader even in his church. He thinks he is very wealthy and powerful but unless he empties himself and cries out to God- he is in for a horrible shock.
The most precious jewel in all the world is a healthy fear of God.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
My Last Diet
About five months ago I embarked on what I wanted to be my last diet effort. I wanted to seek God for a plan and then walk in obedience every day no matter what. I wanted to quit making excuses...not enough time...it's too hard...this is a special occasion, etc. and just obey.
I discovered early in the process that "not eating" required a HUGE amount of mental energy. Since I have fasted a number of times I already knew that experientially and logically but making the firm decision to persevere for the long haul put it into a new perspective. I realized that I needed to trim down the demands on my mind if I was going to trim down my body. I would need time to think. I would need to plan ahead, shop wisely, prepare healthy meals and so on but even more than that- I discovered that I needed free space inside my head. I am not sure I can even describe it very well but if you have ever tried going completely without any food or water for a period of time then you know that it requires concentration, focus, mental energy.
The trouble is- life is demanding, fast paced and needs are everywhere. If I want people to esteem and value me I need to be keeping up- meeting needs- proving my worth. I learned that as a small child. My parents worked hard and the only way to get their approval was by working hard also. The message I got was that I have no value outside of my performance. I don't deserve to take the time needed to care for myself, rest, relax, be creative and enjoy something.
The trouble with this mindset and lifestyle is that it leaves me feeling empty and drained because- let's face it- we can never give enough. When I felt drained I would turn to something like food or shopping to fill the void. It can be a vicious cycle. I can give and serve to the point of feeling bitter and resentful. Then I pull away from everyone and eat or shop to make myself feel better and then I go back to serving again until I am sucked dry. And then repeat day after day.
God has been showing me a new path. I don't have it fully mastered yet because I have a long history of wrong behavior so it will take time to learn a new dance. I have discovered that it is a boundary problem. It is ok to tell people "no" and not meet every need that comes my way, after all, I am NOT God. If I feel guilty saying no I need to ask myself "why"?
I need to address my personal needs and manage my life in a way that is pleasing to God- not people. This mindset produces inner peace and calm. The chances are great that people will not be pleased with my limited ability to give. Jesus lived life perfectly and the people brutally murdered Him. They were not pleased with Him and if He can't please them why do I repeatedly exhaust myself trying?
I need to please God and have a clear conscience in how I am managing my health, time, weight, money- and everything else He has given me. That requires a clear, uncluttered, focused mind. I can't be frantically racing around, anxiously trying to pack the most into my day. Actually, that kind of behavior exposes my insecurity and lack of faith. If I am confident that God is in control then I can rest and take the time to care for myself.
I need to seek God in this because my human tendency might be to swing too far the other way and become a lazy, self-indulgent slob. That would not be God-honoring either. We really need His wisdom day by day to manage this wisely. There will be times when God calls me to lay aside my comfort and rest and give sacrificially and when He does He will give me the strength to do it. It is like managing a mental bank account- withdrawals are fine - as long as regular deposits are being made.
I discovered early in the process that "not eating" required a HUGE amount of mental energy. Since I have fasted a number of times I already knew that experientially and logically but making the firm decision to persevere for the long haul put it into a new perspective. I realized that I needed to trim down the demands on my mind if I was going to trim down my body. I would need time to think. I would need to plan ahead, shop wisely, prepare healthy meals and so on but even more than that- I discovered that I needed free space inside my head. I am not sure I can even describe it very well but if you have ever tried going completely without any food or water for a period of time then you know that it requires concentration, focus, mental energy.
The trouble is- life is demanding, fast paced and needs are everywhere. If I want people to esteem and value me I need to be keeping up- meeting needs- proving my worth. I learned that as a small child. My parents worked hard and the only way to get their approval was by working hard also. The message I got was that I have no value outside of my performance. I don't deserve to take the time needed to care for myself, rest, relax, be creative and enjoy something.
The trouble with this mindset and lifestyle is that it leaves me feeling empty and drained because- let's face it- we can never give enough. When I felt drained I would turn to something like food or shopping to fill the void. It can be a vicious cycle. I can give and serve to the point of feeling bitter and resentful. Then I pull away from everyone and eat or shop to make myself feel better and then I go back to serving again until I am sucked dry. And then repeat day after day.
God has been showing me a new path. I don't have it fully mastered yet because I have a long history of wrong behavior so it will take time to learn a new dance. I have discovered that it is a boundary problem. It is ok to tell people "no" and not meet every need that comes my way, after all, I am NOT God. If I feel guilty saying no I need to ask myself "why"?
I need to address my personal needs and manage my life in a way that is pleasing to God- not people. This mindset produces inner peace and calm. The chances are great that people will not be pleased with my limited ability to give. Jesus lived life perfectly and the people brutally murdered Him. They were not pleased with Him and if He can't please them why do I repeatedly exhaust myself trying?
I need to please God and have a clear conscience in how I am managing my health, time, weight, money- and everything else He has given me. That requires a clear, uncluttered, focused mind. I can't be frantically racing around, anxiously trying to pack the most into my day. Actually, that kind of behavior exposes my insecurity and lack of faith. If I am confident that God is in control then I can rest and take the time to care for myself.
I need to seek God in this because my human tendency might be to swing too far the other way and become a lazy, self-indulgent slob. That would not be God-honoring either. We really need His wisdom day by day to manage this wisely. There will be times when God calls me to lay aside my comfort and rest and give sacrificially and when He does He will give me the strength to do it. It is like managing a mental bank account- withdrawals are fine - as long as regular deposits are being made.
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