I have started a new Bible study called “Made to Crave” and the speaker talked about how dieting can make us feel deprived and we need to think of ourselves as empowered by God to make choices. Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves and whining when everyone else is eating cake- think about the truth. I can eat the cake but I have the power to pass and be satisfied without it.
One bad habit I have had for a long time is evening eating. It was a ritual- unwind by snacking even tho’ I wasn’t hungry physically. Then I would go to bed and get heartburn! I knew I was causing the heartburn and one part of me hated my behavior yet did it over and over again.
As I pondered my behavior and sought God to help me understand why I repeatedly ate at night the thought popped into my head “going to bed hungry is a punishment”.
That’s when I remembered being forced to go to bed without supper, many times. I weighed 93 lbs when I graduated from high school and I was skin and bones all of my growing years, so I didn’t have lots of “reserves”. When I was forced to go to bed without supper I wouldn’t be able to sleep through the night. So, I would slip out of bed and put some peanut butter on a slice of bread. But my step-mother would count the slices of bread before she went to sleep. She would also tie a thread to a cupboard handle and drape the thread through the other handle so she would be able to tell if the door had been opened. She would also use a flour sifter to put a light dusting of flour on the kitchen floor so she could be positive which child came out of their bedroom in the night. So I might get a slice of bread at 3 am but I would get a whipping with the leather strap in the morning- and no breakfast.
I knew it was wrong to have someone treat me this way and I seethed with hatred and bitterness toward her. But I was also terrified of her and felt she had the potential to kill me. But I made a vow- “when I grow up I am going to eat anything I want and no one is ever going to stop me.”
But then here I am- 50 years later- empowered with the Spirit of God to make good choices and I am still choosing badly, still bound by my own vow. I asked God to set me free from the vow- I no longer wanted to be driven by it.
I feel it is shameful to live in today’s world where horrible suffering is taking place all over the planet, governments are collapsing, earthquakes, flooding, tsunamis, famine, disease running rampant, economies on the brink- all sorts of horrendous troubles and my whiny prayer request is “oh Lord, help me get my face out of the bowl”!!! I feel so ashamed! THAT is my greatest need??? What is wrong with this picture? And it isn’t just me! Many of my female friends are caught in the same net.
With Paul I cry “who will set me free from this body of death?” and then he answers his own question- “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ, our Lord.” (Romans 7). Jesus can set me free- even tho’ I have willingly beaten a deep rut in the path of habitual evening eating- Jesus is able to free my feet from the net and set me on a new healthy path. I will daily look to Christ.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
New Thinking on Love
My father worked two full time jobs for 12 years (and then he dropped dead of a heart attack at 42 yrs of age). He worked from midnight to 8 am - came home, drank a pot of coffee, showered and changed clothes and then went to a 9-5 job. I didn't see him in the mornings because of my school schedule. He came home at 5:20 and dinner had to be ready. We ate and then he went to bed to sleep til 11pm. I saw him for 20 minutes a day for 12 years. Every day I sat across the dinner table and yearned for him to look at me- notice me- talk to me. After years of no acknowledgement that I even existed I hardened my heart to the need. I decided it was weak to need anything from anyone. I decided to need nothing- expect nothing.
I am married to a wonderful guy. We celebrated our 33 1/3 anniversary last spring and it has been a good relationship but one thing that has been an ongoing stresser has been his desire to be appreciated. He will do some job around the house and wants me to look at it, express interest, appreciation etc and I have always seen this as a weakness. My attitude was- ok, big deal- you got one thing done- now go do the next thing. I thought it was silly for him to need praise.
God has done some amazing healing in my life this past year and part of that healing has enabled me to be vulnerable enough to "hope" for things like love, appreciation, validation, affirmation. The amazing thing is that I realize - we were created with this need- this longing. It is not a weakness. It is a God given part of being human. How convicting it is for me to realize that I have withheld a very natural part of life from someone I care about! He wasn't being weak- he was being real and I was the one who was wrong. Without love we are nothing.
I am married to a wonderful guy. We celebrated our 33 1/3 anniversary last spring and it has been a good relationship but one thing that has been an ongoing stresser has been his desire to be appreciated. He will do some job around the house and wants me to look at it, express interest, appreciation etc and I have always seen this as a weakness. My attitude was- ok, big deal- you got one thing done- now go do the next thing. I thought it was silly for him to need praise.
God has done some amazing healing in my life this past year and part of that healing has enabled me to be vulnerable enough to "hope" for things like love, appreciation, validation, affirmation. The amazing thing is that I realize - we were created with this need- this longing. It is not a weakness. It is a God given part of being human. How convicting it is for me to realize that I have withheld a very natural part of life from someone I care about! He wasn't being weak- he was being real and I was the one who was wrong. Without love we are nothing.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Feeling Entitled
As I have struggled in my pursuit of personal holiness- which currently manifests itself in my desire to lose weight for the glory of God- I have discovered feelings of resentment and bitterness. I have messages inside my head that say “I have suffered enough” or “I’m entitled to a treat because I have worked hard today”.
As I explored the roots of these thoughts I came to painful memories of being denied basic necessities like food and sleep. My step-mother would frequently come into my bedroom in the middle of the night and grab me by the hair and drag me out of a sound sleep. She would force me to stand in the middle of the bedroom. She’d slap me hard to make sure I was awake and tell me that my snoring woke her up and that I had better not make a sound until she was fast asleep.
She would deny me food because I didn’t eat fast enough. When she was done- I was done. She would grab my plate and throw the remaining food in the trash- usually it was my dessert.
Another thing I was denied was the right to treasure anything. If a teacher had written a note like "good job" at the top of a school paper and I wanted to save it, I might hide it in my dresser drawer. Periodically and totally unannounced- my step-mother would storm into my room, dump all of the drawers out onto the floor, flip the mattress up checking underneath and then she would destroy everything she found.
She despised me and she made sure I knew it every single day.
So, it is easy to imagine that a child treated this way would harbor resentment, bitterness, vengeful thoughts and make vows like “when I grow up no one is ever going to treat me this way. No one is ever going to tell me what to eat.” It’s also easy to understand why this child might grow up into an adult that is angry with God, believing that He is not trustworthy- after all He has allowed a great deal of pain. He allowed the people who were responsible for my care and well-being to be hate-filled and cruel. It is easy to see how this could cause a child to question authority since those in authority were not trustworthy.
I think the enemy of God loves to injure and confuse small children. They are easy to deceive and they grow up into wounded adults with trust issues.
Thankfully, I have found God to be loving, tender, willing to heal my broken places, assuring me that He was not pleased with the way I was treated either. Vengeance belongs to Him- He will repay. I must forgive those things done to me and not allow bitter roots to grow. As someone once said “harboring unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
As I explored the roots of these thoughts I came to painful memories of being denied basic necessities like food and sleep. My step-mother would frequently come into my bedroom in the middle of the night and grab me by the hair and drag me out of a sound sleep. She would force me to stand in the middle of the bedroom. She’d slap me hard to make sure I was awake and tell me that my snoring woke her up and that I had better not make a sound until she was fast asleep.
She would deny me food because I didn’t eat fast enough. When she was done- I was done. She would grab my plate and throw the remaining food in the trash- usually it was my dessert.
Another thing I was denied was the right to treasure anything. If a teacher had written a note like "good job" at the top of a school paper and I wanted to save it, I might hide it in my dresser drawer. Periodically and totally unannounced- my step-mother would storm into my room, dump all of the drawers out onto the floor, flip the mattress up checking underneath and then she would destroy everything she found.
She despised me and she made sure I knew it every single day.
So, it is easy to imagine that a child treated this way would harbor resentment, bitterness, vengeful thoughts and make vows like “when I grow up no one is ever going to treat me this way. No one is ever going to tell me what to eat.” It’s also easy to understand why this child might grow up into an adult that is angry with God, believing that He is not trustworthy- after all He has allowed a great deal of pain. He allowed the people who were responsible for my care and well-being to be hate-filled and cruel. It is easy to see how this could cause a child to question authority since those in authority were not trustworthy.
I think the enemy of God loves to injure and confuse small children. They are easy to deceive and they grow up into wounded adults with trust issues.
Thankfully, I have found God to be loving, tender, willing to heal my broken places, assuring me that He was not pleased with the way I was treated either. Vengeance belongs to Him- He will repay. I must forgive those things done to me and not allow bitter roots to grow. As someone once said “harboring unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Pulling Weeds
Call me a skeptic but whenever I hear about a great new book or program that is causing excitement I seriously doubt that it will have any significant impact on people's lives. The reason for my skepticism is that I truly believe that for any good seed (or idea) to grow- the soil must be prepared first and the weeds MUST be rooted out. They can't just be mowed down and raked up a bit, they must be rooted out deeply. If the weeds are allowed to remain there will be no significant fruit resulting from the seed no matter how pretty the package is.
It grieves me deeply to see people rushing out to buy the latest packet of pretty seed because I believe almost all of them are a total waste of time and energy. And I see it happening over and over and over. I admit that I have bought more than my share of "self-help books" in the hopes that I could find a quick easy fix for my life. It never works and it never will. There are no shortcuts to growing fruit.
The only reason for any hope at all in reading those books is that perhaps- just maybe- they will stir a deep longing for change and that longing will move a person toward the hard work of pulling weeds.
I love it when I find great tool that helps me in the battle- some blast of a chemical I can spray or some granule that prevents weed seed from germinating at all but the battle is still relentless. The wind blows and a zillion new weed seeds fly in. If we want to have a garden that bears any fruit at all- I believe the most important thing we can do once the seed is planted is to diligently root out weeds.
I think it is true as well in every area of our lives. The enemy wants to crush us with clutter, activity, busyness, needs, fears, worries, noise, temptations and the list could go on and on.
I have gone on vacation each year during July or August just to escape the humidity and when I come back the weeds have NOT been sleeping- their growth has been remarkable! But I roll up my sleeves and get back in the fight because we cannot grow weary in the battle- we must persevere and we must believe that it WILL pay off someday. There WILL be a harvest and when that lovely harvest comes in- all the sweat of labor will be forgotten.
It will be worth it all.
It grieves me deeply to see people rushing out to buy the latest packet of pretty seed because I believe almost all of them are a total waste of time and energy. And I see it happening over and over and over. I admit that I have bought more than my share of "self-help books" in the hopes that I could find a quick easy fix for my life. It never works and it never will. There are no shortcuts to growing fruit.
The only reason for any hope at all in reading those books is that perhaps- just maybe- they will stir a deep longing for change and that longing will move a person toward the hard work of pulling weeds.
I love it when I find great tool that helps me in the battle- some blast of a chemical I can spray or some granule that prevents weed seed from germinating at all but the battle is still relentless. The wind blows and a zillion new weed seeds fly in. If we want to have a garden that bears any fruit at all- I believe the most important thing we can do once the seed is planted is to diligently root out weeds.
I think it is true as well in every area of our lives. The enemy wants to crush us with clutter, activity, busyness, needs, fears, worries, noise, temptations and the list could go on and on.
I have gone on vacation each year during July or August just to escape the humidity and when I come back the weeds have NOT been sleeping- their growth has been remarkable! But I roll up my sleeves and get back in the fight because we cannot grow weary in the battle- we must persevere and we must believe that it WILL pay off someday. There WILL be a harvest and when that lovely harvest comes in- all the sweat of labor will be forgotten.
It will be worth it all.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Do I accept or ignore?
I downloaded some messages from the Desiring God conference just recently and one of the speakers said something about "accepting Jesus". He said Jesus doesn't need to be accepted- we need Jesus to accept US! It is very true. Jesus doesn't need friends so He can have a high number on His Facebook page. I thought about how people send messages asking to be accepted as a friend on Facebook. We have two buttons we can click on: "I accept" or "Ignore."
When it comes to Facebook it is a pretty shallow decision, not a lot hangs in the balance. But when we're talking about Christ we are making a decision that has a horrendous amount of importance. It is the most significant decision we will ever make! It is the decision between asking for a lifeline to be thrown to us or choosing to fall into the center of a raging volcano! If we "ignore" this choice we fall into agony and torment beyond anything we have ever imagined. And it isn't over quickly- like a fall into a boiling volcano would be- because we have a spiritual part that lives forever.
Forever and ever- realizing that they missed the whole point of life. I have many, many relatives eternally screaming in pain and anguish. They had a choice to make and not choosing IS a choice.
The way I see it- if everything I have experienced of God was all my imagination and God doesn't exist at all-if I die and just rot in the ground- then I just slowly rot into nothingness. My time spent pursuing God, learning about Him, praying to Him, serving Him didn't really matter but it didn't hurt anything either. But if I had chosen to ignore God in this life- and I died and found out I was wrong- it would be the most horrible mistake anyone could ever commit. And there would be no do-over.
God will not be mocked. We can't pretend to be following Him, going through the motions. The worse words we could ever hear are "I never knew you".
"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord...did we not prophesy in Your name and cast out demons, and ...perform many miracles?' And then I will declare to them "I never knew you; depart from Me..."" Matt 7:22
Those were upright church-going folks prophesying, doing miracles for crying out loud! But Jesus didn't know them.
They hadn't ever asked Christ to "accept" them as His friend. It's not too late for some of us. He is worth knowing. He is the most important friend we will ever make.
When it comes to Facebook it is a pretty shallow decision, not a lot hangs in the balance. But when we're talking about Christ we are making a decision that has a horrendous amount of importance. It is the most significant decision we will ever make! It is the decision between asking for a lifeline to be thrown to us or choosing to fall into the center of a raging volcano! If we "ignore" this choice we fall into agony and torment beyond anything we have ever imagined. And it isn't over quickly- like a fall into a boiling volcano would be- because we have a spiritual part that lives forever.
Forever and ever- realizing that they missed the whole point of life. I have many, many relatives eternally screaming in pain and anguish. They had a choice to make and not choosing IS a choice.
The way I see it- if everything I have experienced of God was all my imagination and God doesn't exist at all-if I die and just rot in the ground- then I just slowly rot into nothingness. My time spent pursuing God, learning about Him, praying to Him, serving Him didn't really matter but it didn't hurt anything either. But if I had chosen to ignore God in this life- and I died and found out I was wrong- it would be the most horrible mistake anyone could ever commit. And there would be no do-over.
God will not be mocked. We can't pretend to be following Him, going through the motions. The worse words we could ever hear are "I never knew you".
"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord...did we not prophesy in Your name and cast out demons, and ...perform many miracles?' And then I will declare to them "I never knew you; depart from Me..."" Matt 7:22
Those were upright church-going folks prophesying, doing miracles for crying out loud! But Jesus didn't know them.
They hadn't ever asked Christ to "accept" them as His friend. It's not too late for some of us. He is worth knowing. He is the most important friend we will ever make.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Is God Good?
That is a key question that must be addressed in the life of every Christian. Can He be trusted? We all say “yes, of course” but then we live lives that make it very obvious that we do not trust in a Sovereign God.
I have an ongoing battle with weight issues and I have often struggled to break free from all habits or food substances that have a hook in my flesh- coffee for example. (Cappuccino to be exact and the higher octane the better!) Every gas station sells double caffeine drinks. Truthfully, I have always believed my self-worth hinges on my productivity and so I reason that God created coffee beans so that we could go faster and do more. Honestly some people do value us more when we get work done.
In the Bible Paul said “all things are lawful for me but not all things are profitable…and I will not be mastered by anything". The truth is I am mastered by coffee and I have been for many years. When I wake up in the morning my first thought is not “Thank You Lord, for another day of life…” no, my first thought is “is the coffee done yet?”
A few weeks ago a friend gave me a deer that he’d shot (the farmers around here have an extended season because of crop damage). So I had about 80 lbs of meat that I was processing in my kitchen. Not wanting to waste any I ground up the stringy leg meat for dog food and I canned it. The trouble was – I took a shortcut to save time- so I could get more done. We all take shortcuts – caffeine is a shortcut.
A week later there started to be a very bad smell in my house and my husband and I looked everywhere- examined the sewer lines- checked seals and fittings- did online research for clues as to what our horrible smell might be and our search went on for over a week. We finally decided that it must be dead mice in the wall since we had recently done some repair work.
I burned incense, bought a zillion plug ins, burned candles, but the stench was unbearable. No matter how clean, vacuumed, washed and waxed my house was- the stench was overwhelming.
And then I noticed the jars of dog food had slightly changed color. I opened one and wham! I had discovered the source of the stench. I had 8 or 9 pints of putrid meat in the kitchen with all of the seals broken and the contents bubbling.
As I was cleaning and washing the last of it- with every fan blasting and all of the windows opened- the thought came to me- “You have a stench in your life”. Now, I have learned to recognize when God gives me these thoughts and when they are my own. This one was certainly not my own. Timidly I asked, “what is it?’ and the answer came back- “cappuccino”.
Oh! Please God! Anything but that! Don’t ask me to give that up!!
I believe in my heart that God is sufficient to supply all of the energy I need and I had no doubt that being addicted to an earthly substance stinks to Him. I also believe that He is good and He does not withhold good from His children so logically I knew that His asking me to give it up would bless my life. But I admit that I grieved for the first couple of days and felt sorry for myself but it’s been two weeks today since God pointed to my stench and I seldom even think about it anymore. God enabled me to quit "cold turkey" with only moderate headaches for a few days. The stench was gone from my house and from my life in a very short time.
God is good and I want to glorify Him in every aspect of my life.
I have an ongoing battle with weight issues and I have often struggled to break free from all habits or food substances that have a hook in my flesh- coffee for example. (Cappuccino to be exact and the higher octane the better!) Every gas station sells double caffeine drinks. Truthfully, I have always believed my self-worth hinges on my productivity and so I reason that God created coffee beans so that we could go faster and do more. Honestly some people do value us more when we get work done.
In the Bible Paul said “all things are lawful for me but not all things are profitable…and I will not be mastered by anything". The truth is I am mastered by coffee and I have been for many years. When I wake up in the morning my first thought is not “Thank You Lord, for another day of life…” no, my first thought is “is the coffee done yet?”
A few weeks ago a friend gave me a deer that he’d shot (the farmers around here have an extended season because of crop damage). So I had about 80 lbs of meat that I was processing in my kitchen. Not wanting to waste any I ground up the stringy leg meat for dog food and I canned it. The trouble was – I took a shortcut to save time- so I could get more done. We all take shortcuts – caffeine is a shortcut.
A week later there started to be a very bad smell in my house and my husband and I looked everywhere- examined the sewer lines- checked seals and fittings- did online research for clues as to what our horrible smell might be and our search went on for over a week. We finally decided that it must be dead mice in the wall since we had recently done some repair work.
I burned incense, bought a zillion plug ins, burned candles, but the stench was unbearable. No matter how clean, vacuumed, washed and waxed my house was- the stench was overwhelming.
And then I noticed the jars of dog food had slightly changed color. I opened one and wham! I had discovered the source of the stench. I had 8 or 9 pints of putrid meat in the kitchen with all of the seals broken and the contents bubbling.
As I was cleaning and washing the last of it- with every fan blasting and all of the windows opened- the thought came to me- “You have a stench in your life”. Now, I have learned to recognize when God gives me these thoughts and when they are my own. This one was certainly not my own. Timidly I asked, “what is it?’ and the answer came back- “cappuccino”.
Oh! Please God! Anything but that! Don’t ask me to give that up!!
I believe in my heart that God is sufficient to supply all of the energy I need and I had no doubt that being addicted to an earthly substance stinks to Him. I also believe that He is good and He does not withhold good from His children so logically I knew that His asking me to give it up would bless my life. But I admit that I grieved for the first couple of days and felt sorry for myself but it’s been two weeks today since God pointed to my stench and I seldom even think about it anymore. God enabled me to quit "cold turkey" with only moderate headaches for a few days. The stench was gone from my house and from my life in a very short time.
God is good and I want to glorify Him in every aspect of my life.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Mercy Without Repentance
I had gotten into a discussion with a friend recently on the subject of “cheap grace” which I will define here as “mercy without repentance” so I was continuing with my personal study for more understanding.
There are many people, I believe, who think that God Almighty will be gracious and allow them to enter into a “happily ever after” state of rest even though they live ugly, unrepentant lives and couldn’t care less about God’s plan in the here and now. I think they are in for a horrible shock.
I was reading Ezekiel 33 this morning struggling to understand a confusing passage and I wondered- why doesn’t God just clearly spell it out? He surely could have. Why are some things in the Bible still a mystery causing debate among Christians?
Suddenly I realized- What I do with the difficult passages of Scripture exposes my heart!
Do I ignore them? Exposed! Do I interpret them as cheap and easy salvation? I’m exposed!
Do I study hard and try to understand how to apply the principles to my life?
What do I do with them?
It suddenly occurred to me that God may have intentionally made the meaning of certain passages less clear and understandable. After all, He could’ve said “Thou shalt NOT… and clearly spelled it out but He didn’t. And He sees how we handle that.
He doesn’t want us to just keep a list of rules and laws. He wants us to love Him. He wants us to live for Him- please Him- honor Him in all we do. He created us for a love relationship. He doesn’t need my service or my money. He wants me to trust Him and obey what I understand and ideally to be growing- maturing- trying to understand more.
It was a sobering moment. He knows every thought I have. He sees my motive. He knows me better than I even know myself. What an amazing and personal God!
There are many people, I believe, who think that God Almighty will be gracious and allow them to enter into a “happily ever after” state of rest even though they live ugly, unrepentant lives and couldn’t care less about God’s plan in the here and now. I think they are in for a horrible shock.
I was reading Ezekiel 33 this morning struggling to understand a confusing passage and I wondered- why doesn’t God just clearly spell it out? He surely could have. Why are some things in the Bible still a mystery causing debate among Christians?
Suddenly I realized- What I do with the difficult passages of Scripture exposes my heart!
Do I ignore them? Exposed! Do I interpret them as cheap and easy salvation? I’m exposed!
Do I study hard and try to understand how to apply the principles to my life?
What do I do with them?
It suddenly occurred to me that God may have intentionally made the meaning of certain passages less clear and understandable. After all, He could’ve said “Thou shalt NOT… and clearly spelled it out but He didn’t. And He sees how we handle that.
He doesn’t want us to just keep a list of rules and laws. He wants us to love Him. He wants us to live for Him- please Him- honor Him in all we do. He created us for a love relationship. He doesn’t need my service or my money. He wants me to trust Him and obey what I understand and ideally to be growing- maturing- trying to understand more.
It was a sobering moment. He knows every thought I have. He sees my motive. He knows me better than I even know myself. What an amazing and personal God!
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