Solitude: Revitalizing? Dangerous? Or Both?

A retreat alone in a cabin in the deep woods, isolated from the world…that's my idea of a safe place. Ever since I was a tiny child I have felt that people were a source of pain and solitude was safety. I would wander off into the deep timber and feel such peace and calm. I still enjoy retreats for solitude and I find deep soul refreshment there.

However, there is another side to solitude that I have come to recognize both in myself and in others. There is the enemy tactic that comes straight from the pit of hell. It is a solitude that is designed to isolate me from the safety of the crowd so that I can be destroyed. It keeps me from influencing them and it keeps them from influencing me.

If a wolf wants to destroy a sheep he will run the edges of the flock hoping to draw one off to the side- alone. It is easier to kill it then. The flock- which is defenseless by nature- has no ability to attack or defend itself- provides protection just by encircling round each other.

In Scripture God refers to us as His sheep and He is our Shepherd. Psalm 100 vs 3 says “ Know that the Lord, He is God! It is He who made us and we are His; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture.” If we go off alone He draws us back to the fold. His plan is for us to enjoy community for our own good.

So we must periodically ask ourselves: am I spending a healthy amount of time alone? Am I feeling refreshed in God? Are people getting on my last nerve? Perhaps I need some alone time. But then what effect is alone time having on me? Is it calming, strengthening, revitalizing?

Or is it making me feel despair, sad, hopeless, despondent? There is no good thing down that path. Despair does not lead to any good place. Truthfully, there is incredible danger in too much solitude.

No flock is perfect. They are all full of stubborn, hard-headed sheep but then… if they can put up with me perhaps I can be patient with them.

Stuck Between A Rock and a Hard Place

Recently I found myself “between a rock and a hard place.” As I considered my options I thought about praying to God for help but I like to exhaust every possible option for figuring it out myself first. I’ve never liked to ask anyone to help me personally. I learned it early in life. The few times I admitted need to an adult they told me “they didn’t want to get involved”. In all fairness I probably never told anyone enough for them to truly see the desperate nature of my situation. But their response set me on a course of aloneness.

So there I was last week- between the rock and the hard place- feeling stubborn in my soul. Stuck. No good options. I found myself facing the wall of defeat. Why can’t I pray for personal help? I can make a plan for myself and then ask God to bless my plan. I can even ask Him to help me while I am making the plan. But there is this humble, helpless place in prayer that I just refuse to go.

If I am going to have peace with God, peace in the innermost then I have to dig out any rooted lies that come between us. So, I started searching for the belief that this behavior is rooted in. I went back to the memories of being tied to the chair, blindfolded, gagged. It is the most helpless, powerless, vulnerable feeling. You can hear the enemies moving around, whispering. The tension, dread and terror are extremely high. Utterly alone and powerless.

I felt my blood begin to boil just thinking about it. I felt the rage welling up in me. NO ONE WILL EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN! I would rather DIE fighting than sit there in fear and trembling. I’d rather be dead!

That was the message in my head. Better to be dead than helpless- so the default action is go to the internet, search for another plan.

Anger is protective and makes me feel strong. But it's shallow, fake and not a true power. I was still stuck! I needed a power outside of myself and altho' the internet offers an ton of options there's no real power there and I knew it.

That’s when I realized what God is calling me to. He is calling me to willingly sit in the bloody chair, acknowledge my helplessness and ask Him to deliver me. The very thought made me tremble. Utter depths of humility. I felt a wave of emotions, fear, lack of faith and trust in God, pride, and my supposed independence of Him.

Thus says the Lord: Heaven is My throne and the earth is My footstool. What is the house that you would build for Me…? …But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and who trembles at My word.” Isa 66

Then the light went on in my head! There is immense power available to me if I will trust Him and sit in the chair of humility. The most staggering power in all the world came down to the Cross of Christ. The CROSS! The utter depths of humility. God willingly laying down on a filthy wooden cross and letting the enemy nail Him down. And then like a lightning bolt- power came down- power enough to set all men free from every sin, cleanse them of every defilement, make them able to stand and not be crushed by the righteous fury of a Holy God. Enormous power. That’s my Dad, my Creator, my God. And if I will quit rebelling against Him and instead I would just sit in the chair of helpless need, He will come close to me. He notices humility. It pleases Him immensely because it is true, factual, valid, authentic reality! It is not make believe power like my anger is. It’s the real deal and He loves it when we realize our true position in life.

I felt an amazing clarity. Bright lights going on in the dark places of my mind. Suddenly Romans 7 made sense! Paul is struggling with flesh and sin and lamenting the frustrations of doing the very things he hates and he writes “who will deliver me from this body of death?” …this physical, fleshly, weak body that repeatedly sins against a Holy God? And he answers himself- Christ! Christ sets me free because He went to the Cross for my freedom. The Cross was the ultimate act of humility. There is immense power in humility and it requires a greater strength of faith than I have ever known before. It's like Indiana Jones stepping into the void!

The Reason We Exist

Why do we exist? What is the point or purpose for my life? Is it just about what I decide to do with it? What I want? What I like? Is that why I exist- to find my own fun and reason to live? Or was I created by some huge, powerful being that I will answer to?

This morning my mind wandered off and I found myself imagining ants. I have played with this analogy before but it tends to fall short of what I hope to achieve. But, what if I loved ants? What if I found them delightful and charming? I loved watching their industrious – busy- hard working focused little lives.

So I got myself a big comfortable camp chair- we’ll call it my throne- and I perched myself where I could watch them building communities- fighting wars with other communities- working together to haul home large, heavy, dead bugs home as tho’ it were some huge elk to feed their growing young.

Stretch this even further and imagine that I actually created the ants and I have the power of life and death over them. But I am a loving creator and I provide gentle rains, sunshine, abundant sand and every material they need to thrive and prosper. I protect them from dangerous bull-dozers and I watch over this yard. I sprinkle delicious bread crumbs and berries on the ground for them. I give them everything they need to multiply and prosper and take over the entire backyard.

And let’s imagine that the whole reason I created them was solely for my pleasure, there is no other reason for their existence at all. My hope, as I sit there on my throne watching their busy little lives, is that they will THINK and WONDER about why they exist. I hope they will look for meaning in life beyond moving the grains of sand. I hope they will look up- find me and love me for giving them life and abundance. I want them to love me.

In fact, I want them to love me with all of their hearts and minds, their strength and souls. It is what I want more than anything! I want them to live for my pleasure- adore me- worship me. And if they do…if they search for me and love me utterly- I will gently reach down my finger and lift them up to a paradise that is beyond their wildest imaginations and I will keep them as my own delight and we will have such a celebration.

And for all the rest of them who ignored me- hot burning fire- that will destroy every trace of every work they have ever done. What if…?

A religious leader asked “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “…You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ "

(Mk 12:30 )

The Value of Loyalty

I wasn’t very popular in grade school but I had one special friend starting in second grade, named Suzanne. We played together every recess. We shared our lunches and swapped food with each other. We played jump-rope and hopscotch together. We confided and told each other secrets. We were best of friends. Suzanne’s mother was a bit unstable. The diagnosis “bi-polar” didn’t exist then but that was the style of her instability. She would seem to switch personalities. I still envied Suzanne for her family life because it seemed far superior to mine.

One day in about 5th or 6th grade, Suzanne came to me sadly and told me she was no longer allowed to play with me. It seemed her mother was having a bit of Protestant zeal and had decided that my nominal Catholic home was a threat. Suzanne would not be allowed to play with any Catholics. I assured her we had no real religion but she said her mom’s mind was made up and her younger sisters would be watching to be sure that we no longer talked after today.

I was crushed. I could hardly believe what was happening but my hope was that her mom would soon “forget” and we could resume being best friends. But the sadness I felt was nothing compared to what was coming. Suzanne not only stopped talking to me but in a fairly short amount of time she joined a small group of girls and started taunting me- calling me names. I was so hurt and shocked. How could a person be a close friend one week and an enemy the next? Our relationship was never the same- even after Suzanne’s mom “forgot” about the ban on Catholics.

I do think it can be very hard at times but I believe there is much value in loyalty. I am afraid we have become a culture that pursues immediate personal happiness and comfort at the expense of relational depth. If a job doesn’t keep me happy- I get another job. If a church doesn’t feel good to me- I get another church. If my marriage is hard- I get another spouse. We readily throw up our hands and leave when things get hard- we have little to no fortitude. No willingness to suffer for the greater good.

I know I don’t like to suffer but I must say, lately, I have been harvesting some of the sweetest relational fruit that I have ever had. I have been married to a sweet gentle man for 35 years. Our anniversary is tomorrow and we are able to laugh easily, work side by side, talk deeply about heady subjects. We can endure tough times and pull together to do it. It hasn’t always been easy but the loyalty has been utterly priceless.

I Have Food Issues

I have started a new Bible study called “Made to Crave” and the speaker talked about how dieting can make us feel deprived and we need to think of ourselves as empowered by God to make choices. Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves and whining when everyone else is eating cake- think about the truth. I can eat the cake but I have the power to pass and be satisfied without it.

One bad habit I have had for a long time is evening eating. It was a ritual- unwind by snacking even tho’ I wasn’t hungry physically. Then I would go to bed and get heartburn! I knew I was causing the heartburn and one part of me hated my behavior yet did it over and over again.

As I pondered my behavior and sought God to help me understand why I repeatedly ate at night the thought popped into my head “going to bed hungry is a punishment”.

That’s when I remembered being forced to go to bed without supper, many times. I weighed 93 lbs when I graduated from high school and I was skin and bones all of my growing years, so I didn’t have lots of “reserves”. When I was forced to go to bed without supper I wouldn’t be able to sleep through the night. So, I would slip out of bed and put some peanut butter on a slice of bread. But my step-mother would count the slices of bread before she went to sleep. She would also tie a thread to a cupboard handle and drape the thread through the other handle so she would be able to tell if the door had been opened. She would also use a flour sifter to put a light dusting of flour on the kitchen floor so she could be positive which child came out of their bedroom in the night. So I might get a slice of bread at 3 am but I would get a whipping with the leather strap in the morning- and no breakfast.

I knew it was wrong to have someone treat me this way and I seethed with hatred and bitterness toward her. But I was also terrified of her and felt she had the potential to kill me. But I made a vow- “when I grow up I am going to eat anything I want and no one is ever going to stop me.”

But then here I am- 50 years later- empowered with the Spirit of God to make good choices and I am still choosing badly, still bound by my own vow. I asked God to set me free from the vow- I no longer wanted to be driven by it.
I feel it is shameful to live in today’s world where horrible suffering is taking place all over the planet, governments are collapsing, earthquakes, flooding, tsunamis, famine, disease running rampant, economies on the brink- all sorts of horrendous troubles and my whiny prayer request is “oh Lord, help me get my face out of the bowl”!!! I feel so ashamed! THAT is my greatest need??? What is wrong with this picture? And it isn’t just me! Many of my female friends are caught in the same net.

With Paul I cry “who will set me free from this body of death?” and then he answers his own question- “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ, our Lord.” (Romans 7). Jesus can set me free- even tho’ I have willingly beaten a deep rut in the path of habitual evening eating- Jesus is able to free my feet from the net and set me on a new healthy path. I will daily look to Christ.

New Thinking on Love

My father worked two full time jobs for 12 years (and then he dropped dead of a heart attack at 42 yrs of age). He worked from midnight to 8 am - came home, drank a pot of coffee, showered and changed clothes and then went to a 9-5 job. I didn't see him in the mornings because of my school schedule. He came home at 5:20 and dinner had to be ready. We ate and then he went to bed to sleep til 11pm. I saw him for 20 minutes a day for 12 years. Every day I sat across the dinner table and yearned for him to look at me- notice me- talk to me. After years of no acknowledgement that I even existed I hardened my heart to the need. I decided it was weak to need anything from anyone. I decided to need nothing- expect nothing.

I am married to a wonderful guy. We celebrated our 33 1/3 anniversary last spring and it has been a good relationship but one thing that has been an ongoing stresser has been his desire to be appreciated. He will do some job around the house and wants me to look at it, express interest, appreciation etc and I have always seen this as a weakness. My attitude was- ok, big deal- you got one thing done- now go do the next thing. I thought it was silly for him to need praise.
God has done some amazing healing in my life this past year and part of that healing has enabled me to be vulnerable enough to "hope" for things like love, appreciation, validation, affirmation. The amazing thing is that I realize - we were created with this need- this longing. It is not a weakness. It is a God given part of being human. How convicting it is for me to realize that I have withheld a very natural part of life from someone I care about! He wasn't being weak- he was being real and I was the one who was wrong. Without love we are nothing.

Feeling Entitled

As I have struggled in my pursuit of personal holiness- which currently manifests itself in my desire to lose weight for the glory of God- I have discovered feelings of resentment and bitterness. I have messages inside my head that say “I have suffered enough” or “I’m entitled to a treat because I have worked hard today”.

As I explored the roots of these thoughts I came to painful memories of being denied basic necessities like food and sleep. My step-mother would frequently come into my bedroom in the middle of the night and grab me by the hair and drag me out of a sound sleep. She would force me to stand in the middle of the bedroom. She’d slap me hard to make sure I was awake and tell me that my snoring woke her up and that I had better not make a sound until she was fast asleep.

She would deny me food because I didn’t eat fast enough. When she was done- I was done. She would grab my plate and throw the remaining food in the trash- usually it was my dessert.

Another thing I was denied was the right to treasure anything. If a teacher had written a note like "good job" at the top of a school paper and I wanted to save it, I might hide it in my dresser drawer. Periodically and totally unannounced- my step-mother would storm into my room, dump all of the drawers out onto the floor, flip the mattress up checking underneath and then she would destroy everything she found.

She despised me and she made sure I knew it every single day.

So, it is easy to imagine that a child treated this way would harbor resentment, bitterness, vengeful thoughts and make vows like “when I grow up no one is ever going to treat me this way. No one is ever going to tell me what to eat.” It’s also easy to understand why this child might grow up into an adult that is angry with God, believing that He is not trustworthy- after all He has allowed a great deal of pain. He allowed the people who were responsible for my care and well-being to be hate-filled and cruel. It is easy to see how this could cause a child to question authority since those in authority were not trustworthy.

I think the enemy of God loves to injure and confuse small children. They are easy to deceive and they grow up into wounded adults with trust issues.

Thankfully, I have found God to be loving, tender, willing to heal my broken places, assuring me that He was not pleased with the way I was treated either. Vengeance belongs to Him- He will repay. I must forgive those things done to me and not allow bitter roots to grow. As someone once said “harboring unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”