My father worked two full time jobs for 12 years (and then he dropped dead of a heart attack at 42 yrs of age). He worked from midnight to 8 am - came home, drank a pot of coffee, showered and changed clothes and then went to a 9-5 job. I didn't see him in the mornings because of my school schedule. He came home at 5:20 and dinner had to be ready. We ate and then he went to bed to sleep til 11pm. I saw him for 20 minutes a day for 12 years. Every day I sat across the dinner table and yearned for him to look at me- notice me- talk to me. After years of no acknowledgement that I even existed I hardened my heart to the need. I decided it was weak to need anything from anyone. I decided to need nothing- expect nothing.
I am married to a wonderful guy. We celebrated our 33 1/3 anniversary last spring and it has been a good relationship but one thing that has been an ongoing stresser has been his desire to be appreciated. He will do some job around the house and wants me to look at it, express interest, appreciation etc and I have always seen this as a weakness. My attitude was- ok, big deal- you got one thing done- now go do the next thing. I thought it was silly for him to need praise.
God has done some amazing healing in my life this past year and part of that healing has enabled me to be vulnerable enough to "hope" for things like love, appreciation, validation, affirmation. The amazing thing is that I realize - we were created with this need- this longing. It is not a weakness. It is a God given part of being human. How convicting it is for me to realize that I have withheld a very natural part of life from someone I care about! He wasn't being weak- he was being real and I was the one who was wrong. Without love we are nothing.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Feeling Entitled
As I have struggled in my pursuit of personal holiness- which currently manifests itself in my desire to lose weight for the glory of God- I have discovered feelings of resentment and bitterness. I have messages inside my head that say “I have suffered enough” or “I’m entitled to a treat because I have worked hard today”.
As I explored the roots of these thoughts I came to painful memories of being denied basic necessities like food and sleep. My step-mother would frequently come into my bedroom in the middle of the night and grab me by the hair and drag me out of a sound sleep. She would force me to stand in the middle of the bedroom. She’d slap me hard to make sure I was awake and tell me that my snoring woke her up and that I had better not make a sound until she was fast asleep.
She would deny me food because I didn’t eat fast enough. When she was done- I was done. She would grab my plate and throw the remaining food in the trash- usually it was my dessert.
Another thing I was denied was the right to treasure anything. If a teacher had written a note like "good job" at the top of a school paper and I wanted to save it, I might hide it in my dresser drawer. Periodically and totally unannounced- my step-mother would storm into my room, dump all of the drawers out onto the floor, flip the mattress up checking underneath and then she would destroy everything she found.
She despised me and she made sure I knew it every single day.
So, it is easy to imagine that a child treated this way would harbor resentment, bitterness, vengeful thoughts and make vows like “when I grow up no one is ever going to treat me this way. No one is ever going to tell me what to eat.” It’s also easy to understand why this child might grow up into an adult that is angry with God, believing that He is not trustworthy- after all He has allowed a great deal of pain. He allowed the people who were responsible for my care and well-being to be hate-filled and cruel. It is easy to see how this could cause a child to question authority since those in authority were not trustworthy.
I think the enemy of God loves to injure and confuse small children. They are easy to deceive and they grow up into wounded adults with trust issues.
Thankfully, I have found God to be loving, tender, willing to heal my broken places, assuring me that He was not pleased with the way I was treated either. Vengeance belongs to Him- He will repay. I must forgive those things done to me and not allow bitter roots to grow. As someone once said “harboring unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
As I explored the roots of these thoughts I came to painful memories of being denied basic necessities like food and sleep. My step-mother would frequently come into my bedroom in the middle of the night and grab me by the hair and drag me out of a sound sleep. She would force me to stand in the middle of the bedroom. She’d slap me hard to make sure I was awake and tell me that my snoring woke her up and that I had better not make a sound until she was fast asleep.
She would deny me food because I didn’t eat fast enough. When she was done- I was done. She would grab my plate and throw the remaining food in the trash- usually it was my dessert.
Another thing I was denied was the right to treasure anything. If a teacher had written a note like "good job" at the top of a school paper and I wanted to save it, I might hide it in my dresser drawer. Periodically and totally unannounced- my step-mother would storm into my room, dump all of the drawers out onto the floor, flip the mattress up checking underneath and then she would destroy everything she found.
She despised me and she made sure I knew it every single day.
So, it is easy to imagine that a child treated this way would harbor resentment, bitterness, vengeful thoughts and make vows like “when I grow up no one is ever going to treat me this way. No one is ever going to tell me what to eat.” It’s also easy to understand why this child might grow up into an adult that is angry with God, believing that He is not trustworthy- after all He has allowed a great deal of pain. He allowed the people who were responsible for my care and well-being to be hate-filled and cruel. It is easy to see how this could cause a child to question authority since those in authority were not trustworthy.
I think the enemy of God loves to injure and confuse small children. They are easy to deceive and they grow up into wounded adults with trust issues.
Thankfully, I have found God to be loving, tender, willing to heal my broken places, assuring me that He was not pleased with the way I was treated either. Vengeance belongs to Him- He will repay. I must forgive those things done to me and not allow bitter roots to grow. As someone once said “harboring unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
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