Making Peace with the Past

I have discovered that if I desire true and deep peace in the here and now, I have to make peace with my past. I can't just bury it or ignore it. I watched a part of a program on TV last night about the horrors of the Vietnam conflict and grown men would break down and weep as they told their stories. The pain doesn't disappear- it is very real and a part of who we are. But I have discovered that God is very willing and able to heal my emotional wounds and show me the truth- if I am willing to go and look.

This morning in my quiet time with God I read a bit about the roots of food issues. The author claimed that there are building blocks in life and we cannot fix a top block if a foundational block is amiss. First, he said, we must like ourselves- then we are free to enjoy relationships with people. If we enjoy healthy relationships with people- then we can have a healthy relationship with food. He says people come to him and say "fix my food issues" and he says to them "what don't you like about yourself? We need to start there."

When I asked myself that question I immediately thought of being 14 years old- it was during my "10 years of hell". My step-mother despised me. I had one yellow plastic cup that I was allowed to drink out of and I wasn't even allowed to touch the others. I had one threadbare rag of a towel that I was allowed to dry myself on. She would kick me in the back to wake me up in the morning. She despised me every minute of every day. I was pimply faced and flat chested so I didn't fit in at school either. I felt so lost and alone. People didn't like me but I couldn't DO anything about the things they disliked. I felt hopeless and helpless. Powerless.

So, I asked God to show me "how do I make peace with this memory? What needs to happen in my thinking that will enable me to lay this painful stuff to rest?" I walked around inside my head- meandering through the memories- visiting the rooms of the house we lived in- looking for peace. It is clear to me now that my step-mother was a very unhappy woman. She felt unloved herself. She was bitter and she was looking for a dog to kick. I just happened to be there- as the dog. I didn't do anything to deserve her hate- the rage and frustration was inside of her. I was just something to kick.

And then I realized that God's hand was on me even then. I survived those 10 years of hell. God had a plan to rescue me, redeem my life and use me for His glory. I am blessed indeed. I hold no bitterness toward my step-mother. My desire is to face God today with a clear conscience- naked and unashamed- hiding nothing from Him- with a peace in the innermost parts of my being. No hate, no bitterness, no anger or unresolved emotions- just sweet peace. "Tho He slay me yet I will trust Him." God's character is not in question in my soul. He is with me now and He was with me then.