New Beginnings

For a long time I thought that believing in God was something that we chose or not. Now I believe that salvation is more like admitting that you are drowning and screaming out for someone to help rescue you. The screaming doesn't save you, it just draws the attention of someone who throws you a life jacket or jumps in the water to help you. You can't claim any credit for the rescue.
I do believe we need to hunger and search for God zealously, like for a hidden treasure but we can't take the credit for being "wise enough to choose God".
He chooses us, He rescues us. He gets all the credit.
Once my eyes had been opened to the truth of God, I gradually began to desire more understanding and wisdom for life. The problem was that I was discovering that I couldn't enjoy a deep relationship with God all by myself. His plan involved other people, serving them, loving them, worshipping with them, letting them teach me. His plan was that I be part of a family and community. I had no desire to open myself up and give people a chance to hurt me. People were the source of all my pain. I preferred solitude.

The pain of my childhood was still seriously affecting my ability to make good decisions, my attitude toward people, the whole course that my life was on! I was crippled by the past. I couldn't let myself love or need people because they might die or abandon me in some other way. I felt so alone and as a young adult I turned to many different substances and behaviors to dull the pain and make myself feel better.
Once I had embraced Christianity those substances and behaviors were no longer acceptable. I was convicted of my deep need for change but I felt so powerless. Some things, like smoking and swearing were fairly easy to give up- you either do them or you don't. Plus, when you hang out with a different crowd of people they can influence you to make changes by their example. Other things, like thought patterns, cynicism, critical attitudes, defensiveness, were not so easy to change. They seemed permanently ingrained in me.

Although I changed a lot of my outward behaviors my heart was still tough and alone. God would have to lead me to a place of healing and forgiveness before that would change.