My Last Diet

About five months ago I embarked on what I wanted to be my last diet effort. I wanted to seek God for a plan and then walk in obedience every day no matter what. I wanted to quit making excuses...not enough time...it's too hard...this is a special occasion, etc. and just obey.

I discovered early in the process that "not eating" required a HUGE amount of mental energy. Since I have fasted a number of times I already knew that experientially and logically but making the firm decision to persevere for the long haul put it into a new perspective. I realized that I needed to trim down the demands on my mind if I was going to trim down my body. I would need time to think. I would need to plan ahead, shop wisely, prepare healthy meals and so on but even more than that- I discovered that I needed free space inside my head. I am not sure I can even describe it very well but if you have ever tried going completely without any food or water for a period of time then you know that it requires concentration, focus, mental energy.
The trouble is- life is demanding, fast paced and needs are everywhere. If I want people to esteem and value me I need to be keeping up- meeting needs- proving my worth. I learned that as a small child. My parents worked hard and the only way to get their approval was by working hard also. The message I got was that I have no value outside of my performance. I don't deserve to take the time needed to care for myself, rest, relax, be creative and enjoy something.

The trouble with this mindset and lifestyle is that it leaves me feeling empty and drained because- let's face it- we can never give enough. When I felt drained I would turn to something like food or shopping to fill the void. It can be a vicious cycle. I can give and serve to the point of feeling bitter and resentful. Then I pull away from everyone and eat or shop to make myself feel better and then I go back to serving again until I am sucked dry. And then repeat day after day.

God has been showing me a new path. I don't have it fully mastered yet because I have a long history of wrong behavior so it will take time to learn a new dance. I have discovered that it is a boundary problem. It is ok to tell people "no" and not meet every need that comes my way, after all, I am NOT God. If I feel guilty saying no I need to ask myself "why"?

I need to address my personal needs and manage my life in a way that is pleasing to God- not people. This mindset produces inner peace and calm. The chances are great that people will not be pleased with my limited ability to give. Jesus lived life perfectly and the people brutally murdered Him. They were not pleased with Him and if He can't please them why do I repeatedly exhaust myself trying?

I need to please God and have a clear conscience in how I am managing my health, time, weight, money- and everything else He has given me. That requires a clear, uncluttered, focused mind. I can't be frantically racing around, anxiously trying to pack the most into my day. Actually, that kind of behavior exposes my insecurity and lack of faith. If I am confident that God is in control then I can rest and take the time to care for myself.
I need to seek God in this because my human tendency might be to swing too far the other way and become a lazy, self-indulgent slob. That would not be God-honoring either. We really need His wisdom day by day to manage this wisely. There will be times when God calls me to lay aside my comfort and rest and give sacrificially and when He does He will give me the strength to do it. It is like managing a mental bank account- withdrawals are fine - as long as regular deposits are being made.