There seems to be a tendency in humanity to pass along the pain. When we are hurting, one option is to inflict pain on someone else and it temporarily distracts us. We all are responsible for our actions so I am not excusing them but I would guess that prisons are full of people who have suffered in one way or another and then acted out their pain on someone else.
I remember a terrifying night shortly after I had given birth to my first child. She was crying and crying. I was exhausted and sleep deprived. She had a belly ache and wouldn't stop crying. I had fed her and rocked her. She fell asleep in my arms and I gently put her back into the crib so I could get some sleep but she woke up and started crying again. I remember standing there starring down at her as she screamed- feeling a slurry of emotions- many of them not good. I remember wondering if I was capable of hurting a child- if there was an abuser inside of me. I felt terrified at the thought of passing on the pain but I knew that I was capable.
I think we are all capable of heinous crimes. We'd like to believe that we are "above it" but the heart of man is wicked and evil. Thankfully I chose to wake up my husband and I did not hurt my baby but sometimes when I see the news and hear about a woman who "lost it" and did something awful to her children... well, I feel compassion for her. I feel sad that she did not have someone to help -who would not judge or criticize her. I hear folks say " How could anyone ever do that to their child!?" implying that THEY would NEVER do such a thing. I think that remark indicates either naivete or pride. We are all capable of evil.
I have experienced a lot of emotional, mental and physical pain but I desperately wanted the pain to stop with me. I've made mistakes and I've passed on some of my pain but God mercifully protected me from repeating the abuse that I grew up with.
We need the power of God and the loving support of others to successfully make it through this life. Accepting that fact and embracing it wholeheartedly brings peace of mind.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Allowing Myself Compassion
I didn't receive compassion as a child. My Dad was bitter and depressed and absent most of the time. There was no one else who cared about me. I remember a time when I had some sort of stomach flu and I was walking across the kitchen when I "lost it" and threw up on the floor. My step-mother rushed at me- knocked me down- grabbed the hair on the back of my head and slammed my face into the vomit. She cursed me, slapped me and then threw a bucket and some rags at me and told me to clean that filth up.
I learned early to hide the fact that I was sick and I still struggle to this day to admit it when I am in pain.
Years later when I had children of my own, unfortunately I just didn't know how to act with compassion when they were sick. I honestly didn't know what to do. That may sound weird- as tho' compassion ought to be instinctive but I think much of it may be learned from seeing it modeled and I never saw it. I feel that I made some progress with my own kids because I wasn't abusive when they were sick but I was unemotional. The message I sent was "If you are sick- go to bed". I didn't fuss over them a lot. My daughter has 8 kids and she has pretty much the same attitude- maybe a bit more gentle than I was- and that is good.
As God has been healing my broken places I have found myself feeling more compassion. It feels a bit awkward sometimes but for the most part I like it. Sometimes I find myself feeling immense sadness and I have never allowed myself that before either. Both of those emotions can make me feel vulnerable. I do believe that God created us as emotional creatures and we are most alive when we can allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum.
I saw an illustration once of a water spigot with a little face on it and the accompanying text said that when we shut off the flow of some emotions and don't allow ourselves to feel them- we also shut off the flow of the pleasant emotions like love and joy. They all flow through the same spigot. You can't shut off some emotions without missing out on others. Peace is a calm, soothing, very pleasing sensation and I want more of it to flow thru my life. So, that means I have to open the faucet and allow myself to feel some of everything.
I learned early to hide the fact that I was sick and I still struggle to this day to admit it when I am in pain.
Years later when I had children of my own, unfortunately I just didn't know how to act with compassion when they were sick. I honestly didn't know what to do. That may sound weird- as tho' compassion ought to be instinctive but I think much of it may be learned from seeing it modeled and I never saw it. I feel that I made some progress with my own kids because I wasn't abusive when they were sick but I was unemotional. The message I sent was "If you are sick- go to bed". I didn't fuss over them a lot. My daughter has 8 kids and she has pretty much the same attitude- maybe a bit more gentle than I was- and that is good.
As God has been healing my broken places I have found myself feeling more compassion. It feels a bit awkward sometimes but for the most part I like it. Sometimes I find myself feeling immense sadness and I have never allowed myself that before either. Both of those emotions can make me feel vulnerable. I do believe that God created us as emotional creatures and we are most alive when we can allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum.
I saw an illustration once of a water spigot with a little face on it and the accompanying text said that when we shut off the flow of some emotions and don't allow ourselves to feel them- we also shut off the flow of the pleasant emotions like love and joy. They all flow through the same spigot. You can't shut off some emotions without missing out on others. Peace is a calm, soothing, very pleasing sensation and I want more of it to flow thru my life. So, that means I have to open the faucet and allow myself to feel some of everything.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Authenticity
One thing I hated about my family was our double life. Behind closed doors my step-mother was bitter and angry and every other word was a curse but if a visitor arrived suddenly my step-mother would become all syrupy sweet. She would talk to me firmly but politely. Then after company left her tone of voice would change and she would slap me up side the head and tell me to get out of her sight cause I was making her sick!
It was so confusing to me at first. I had never met anyone before that would have an instant personality change like that. I understood, even as a child, that grown-ups got tired and crabby but this was something else. This was false- phony- deceptive and I grew to hate it. I resolved even as a young child to never pretend to be something I wasn't.
God delights in authenticity.
Psalm 51 says that God desires truth in the innermost parts of my being.
A friend gave me a book of poems once as a gift and she wrote inside the cover
"What you would seem to be--be really."
No conflict, nothing pretentious. It is necessary for inner peace.
It was so confusing to me at first. I had never met anyone before that would have an instant personality change like that. I understood, even as a child, that grown-ups got tired and crabby but this was something else. This was false- phony- deceptive and I grew to hate it. I resolved even as a young child to never pretend to be something I wasn't.
God delights in authenticity.
Psalm 51 says that God desires truth in the innermost parts of my being.
A friend gave me a book of poems once as a gift and she wrote inside the cover
"What you would seem to be--be really."
No conflict, nothing pretentious. It is necessary for inner peace.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Lost Art of Waiting
I remember the day when we would write a letter longhand, fold it, address the envelope, lick the stamp and the edge of the envelope, put it in the mail and wait 10 to 14 days for a reply. Today we send a text message and if we don't hear back in 5 minutes we get impatient! We've forgotten how to wait.
If you consider that we have grown up watching TV shows where a problem arises and a half hour later everything is fine and they all live happily ever after- well, is it any wonder that we want instant fixes? We've come to expect things to happen fast.
The real treasures that are found in relationship with God require diligence. The disciplines that will bring about true wisdom and understanding require many, many hours of reading and pondering. There is no microwave version. It is all slow simmering.
I think our fast moving culture, our busy lives and our expectations of a quick return for every effort work against us mining the deep, rich treasures in God's word. We don't know how to wait or rest and we don't want to sit still (or we are so highly caffeinated that we can't). We've forgotten how to think deeply and we have also lost the art of deep conversation.
We are going faster but we are just skimming the surface of life.
If you consider that we have grown up watching TV shows where a problem arises and a half hour later everything is fine and they all live happily ever after- well, is it any wonder that we want instant fixes? We've come to expect things to happen fast.
The real treasures that are found in relationship with God require diligence. The disciplines that will bring about true wisdom and understanding require many, many hours of reading and pondering. There is no microwave version. It is all slow simmering.
I think our fast moving culture, our busy lives and our expectations of a quick return for every effort work against us mining the deep, rich treasures in God's word. We don't know how to wait or rest and we don't want to sit still (or we are so highly caffeinated that we can't). We've forgotten how to think deeply and we have also lost the art of deep conversation.
We are going faster but we are just skimming the surface of life.
The Lost Art of Rest
I have been struck recently by the number of women who tell me that they cannot sleep at night. One middle aged friend is learning a new computer program and the stress level at work is very high. She has family demands at home and when evening comes she is utterly exhausted but night after night she finds that sleeps eludes her. She tosses and turns from 3 am until she rises to face another stress-filled exhausting day.
On Sunday I approached a gal in her 20's and asked her about whether or not she could join us at the Bible study she had signed up for. She told me she hasn't been able to sleep and the idea of going somewhere in the evening didn't appeal to her. She is exhausted and she is young.
What are we doing that is so important? Why do we need to run so fast? Are we trying to pack more into life? Is that why we have so many highly caffeinated drinks available to us?
We even come back from our vacations exhausted! What is wrong with this picture?
We are driven. We don't even know why. We have never known any other way. Many people are missing the entire point of why they have been given life.
They are running frantically day after exhausting day. But the trouble is- the day is fast approaching when they are going to stand before Almighty God and get the shock of their life. They are going to discover that He wanted us to stop striving to impress people and acquire stuff and take time to know Him as Lord.
I grieve over the frantic pace of people's lives and the futility of it all. The enemy of God has deceived us into thinking we MUST get all sorts of (earthly) things done and that we simply don't have time to consider the deeper things of life.
On Sunday I approached a gal in her 20's and asked her about whether or not she could join us at the Bible study she had signed up for. She told me she hasn't been able to sleep and the idea of going somewhere in the evening didn't appeal to her. She is exhausted and she is young.
What are we doing that is so important? Why do we need to run so fast? Are we trying to pack more into life? Is that why we have so many highly caffeinated drinks available to us?
We even come back from our vacations exhausted! What is wrong with this picture?
We are driven. We don't even know why. We have never known any other way. Many people are missing the entire point of why they have been given life.
They are running frantically day after exhausting day. But the trouble is- the day is fast approaching when they are going to stand before Almighty God and get the shock of their life. They are going to discover that He wanted us to stop striving to impress people and acquire stuff and take time to know Him as Lord.
I grieve over the frantic pace of people's lives and the futility of it all. The enemy of God has deceived us into thinking we MUST get all sorts of (earthly) things done and that we simply don't have time to consider the deeper things of life.
Peace Isn't Circumstantial
Somedays I feel such a peace and calm and it has nothing to do with my circumstances. One day I stepped on the scale and got a good number. The thought occured to me- I am not feeling peace because the scale gave me a good number- the scale gave me a good number because I am feeling peace. The good results on the scale was the fruit of being at peace. That seems like the way it ought to be. Find inner peace and the rest of life's struggles fall into place.
Another benefit of inner peace is that it gives glory to God. Recently I worked through some painful memories and it occured to me that when I am stressed, rebellious, living in sin, overwhelmed by life, running around like a chicken with my head cut off... like most Americans are these days, I am actually stealing something from God. I belong to Him, He created me to enjoy a relationship with Him forever, and if I am living a life of chaos- then He doesn't get to enjoy what is rightfully His.
I imagined it to be similar to companionship with a dog. Suppose I purchased one at great cost. My primary goal was to enjoy companionship with it. Then suppose someone stole it from me and abused it, neglected it, robbed me of my enjoyment of it. Imagine that ten years later the dog was restored to me- at the end of its life. I would have been robbed of valuable time and the one thing that I longed for-companionship.
If we compared this to our relationship with God, we see that He purchased us at great cost to Himself and we are rightfully His. Suppose we live in bondage all of our lives to sin and wrong thinking- then we are robbing Him of the companionship He so desires. Even if we truly are saved from eternal separation and we are restored to Him at the end of life -we have still missed out on the pleasure of enjoying a deep satisfying relationship with God during our earthly life.
We have all heard stories on the news of children who have been stolen and sometimes we hear of one being returned- but I would guess that life is never the same and there is always pain associated with the lost years.
I want to enjoy God now while I am alive. I want to trust Him, rely on Him, study His Word and learn more about what pleases Him. Spending time with Him gives me peace and calms my soul.
Recently I rented a small cabin at Green Valley State Park near Creston and a huge storm blew up complete with tornado. The ranger drove up to my cabin and told me where to take shelter if I heard the sirens go off because the cabin wasn't storm proof. I smiled and told him that I believed my life was in God's hands every single day and that if the Lord decided to take me out in a tornado- I figured He could do it whether I was hiding in a concrete bathroom building or sitting on the porch enjoying the storm. And I meant it- I felt peace. I was not afraid of the storm. God knows the path of every tornado and lightning bolt. My trust is in Him and not the camp bathroom building.
Another benefit of inner peace is that it gives glory to God. Recently I worked through some painful memories and it occured to me that when I am stressed, rebellious, living in sin, overwhelmed by life, running around like a chicken with my head cut off... like most Americans are these days, I am actually stealing something from God. I belong to Him, He created me to enjoy a relationship with Him forever, and if I am living a life of chaos- then He doesn't get to enjoy what is rightfully His.
I imagined it to be similar to companionship with a dog. Suppose I purchased one at great cost. My primary goal was to enjoy companionship with it. Then suppose someone stole it from me and abused it, neglected it, robbed me of my enjoyment of it. Imagine that ten years later the dog was restored to me- at the end of its life. I would have been robbed of valuable time and the one thing that I longed for-companionship.
If we compared this to our relationship with God, we see that He purchased us at great cost to Himself and we are rightfully His. Suppose we live in bondage all of our lives to sin and wrong thinking- then we are robbing Him of the companionship He so desires. Even if we truly are saved from eternal separation and we are restored to Him at the end of life -we have still missed out on the pleasure of enjoying a deep satisfying relationship with God during our earthly life.
We have all heard stories on the news of children who have been stolen and sometimes we hear of one being returned- but I would guess that life is never the same and there is always pain associated with the lost years.
I want to enjoy God now while I am alive. I want to trust Him, rely on Him, study His Word and learn more about what pleases Him. Spending time with Him gives me peace and calms my soul.
Recently I rented a small cabin at Green Valley State Park near Creston and a huge storm blew up complete with tornado. The ranger drove up to my cabin and told me where to take shelter if I heard the sirens go off because the cabin wasn't storm proof. I smiled and told him that I believed my life was in God's hands every single day and that if the Lord decided to take me out in a tornado- I figured He could do it whether I was hiding in a concrete bathroom building or sitting on the porch enjoying the storm. And I meant it- I felt peace. I was not afraid of the storm. God knows the path of every tornado and lightning bolt. My trust is in Him and not the camp bathroom building.
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