Allowing Myself Compassion

I didn't receive compassion as a child. My Dad was bitter and depressed and absent most of the time. There was no one else who cared about me. I remember a time when I had some sort of stomach flu and I was walking across the kitchen when I "lost it" and threw up on the floor. My step-mother rushed at me- knocked me down- grabbed the hair on the back of my head and slammed my face into the vomit. She cursed me, slapped me and then threw a bucket and some rags at me and told me to clean that filth up.

I learned early to hide the fact that I was sick and I still struggle to this day to admit it when I am in pain.
Years later when I had children of my own, unfortunately I just didn't know how to act with compassion when they were sick. I honestly didn't know what to do. That may sound weird- as tho' compassion ought to be instinctive but I think much of it may be learned from seeing it modeled and I never saw it. I feel that I made some progress with my own kids because I wasn't abusive when they were sick but I was unemotional. The message I sent was "If you are sick- go to bed". I didn't fuss over them a lot. My daughter has 8 kids and she has pretty much the same attitude- maybe a bit more gentle than I was- and that is good.

As God has been healing my broken places I have found myself feeling more compassion. It feels a bit awkward sometimes but for the most part I like it. Sometimes I find myself feeling immense sadness and I have never allowed myself that before either. Both of those emotions can make me feel vulnerable. I do believe that God created us as emotional creatures and we are most alive when we can allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum.
I saw an illustration once of a water spigot with a little face on it and the accompanying text said that when we shut off the flow of some emotions and don't allow ourselves to feel them- we also shut off the flow of the pleasant emotions like love and joy. They all flow through the same spigot. You can't shut off some emotions without missing out on others. Peace is a calm, soothing, very pleasing sensation and I want more of it to flow thru my life. So, that means I have to open the faucet and allow myself to feel some of everything.