My father worked two full time jobs for 12 years (and then he dropped dead of a heart attack at 42 yrs of age). He worked from midnight to 8 am - came home, drank a pot of coffee, showered and changed clothes and then went to a 9-5 job. I didn't see him in the mornings because of my school schedule. He came home at 5:20 and dinner had to be ready. We ate and then he went to bed to sleep til 11pm. I saw him for 20 minutes a day for 12 years. Every day I sat across the dinner table and yearned for him to look at me- notice me- talk to me. After years of no acknowledgement that I even existed I hardened my heart to the need. I decided it was weak to need anything from anyone. I decided to need nothing- expect nothing.
I am married to a wonderful guy. We celebrated our 33 1/3 anniversary last spring and it has been a good relationship but one thing that has been an ongoing stresser has been his desire to be appreciated. He will do some job around the house and wants me to look at it, express interest, appreciation etc and I have always seen this as a weakness. My attitude was- ok, big deal- you got one thing done- now go do the next thing. I thought it was silly for him to need praise.
God has done some amazing healing in my life this past year and part of that healing has enabled me to be vulnerable enough to "hope" for things like love, appreciation, validation, affirmation. The amazing thing is that I realize - we were created with this need- this longing. It is not a weakness. It is a God given part of being human. How convicting it is for me to realize that I have withheld a very natural part of life from someone I care about! He wasn't being weak- he was being real and I was the one who was wrong. Without love we are nothing.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Feeling Entitled
As I have struggled in my pursuit of personal holiness- which currently manifests itself in my desire to lose weight for the glory of God- I have discovered feelings of resentment and bitterness. I have messages inside my head that say “I have suffered enough” or “I’m entitled to a treat because I have worked hard today”.
As I explored the roots of these thoughts I came to painful memories of being denied basic necessities like food and sleep. My step-mother would frequently come into my bedroom in the middle of the night and grab me by the hair and drag me out of a sound sleep. She would force me to stand in the middle of the bedroom. She’d slap me hard to make sure I was awake and tell me that my snoring woke her up and that I had better not make a sound until she was fast asleep.
She would deny me food because I didn’t eat fast enough. When she was done- I was done. She would grab my plate and throw the remaining food in the trash- usually it was my dessert.
Another thing I was denied was the right to treasure anything. If a teacher had written a note like "good job" at the top of a school paper and I wanted to save it, I might hide it in my dresser drawer. Periodically and totally unannounced- my step-mother would storm into my room, dump all of the drawers out onto the floor, flip the mattress up checking underneath and then she would destroy everything she found.
She despised me and she made sure I knew it every single day.
So, it is easy to imagine that a child treated this way would harbor resentment, bitterness, vengeful thoughts and make vows like “when I grow up no one is ever going to treat me this way. No one is ever going to tell me what to eat.” It’s also easy to understand why this child might grow up into an adult that is angry with God, believing that He is not trustworthy- after all He has allowed a great deal of pain. He allowed the people who were responsible for my care and well-being to be hate-filled and cruel. It is easy to see how this could cause a child to question authority since those in authority were not trustworthy.
I think the enemy of God loves to injure and confuse small children. They are easy to deceive and they grow up into wounded adults with trust issues.
Thankfully, I have found God to be loving, tender, willing to heal my broken places, assuring me that He was not pleased with the way I was treated either. Vengeance belongs to Him- He will repay. I must forgive those things done to me and not allow bitter roots to grow. As someone once said “harboring unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
As I explored the roots of these thoughts I came to painful memories of being denied basic necessities like food and sleep. My step-mother would frequently come into my bedroom in the middle of the night and grab me by the hair and drag me out of a sound sleep. She would force me to stand in the middle of the bedroom. She’d slap me hard to make sure I was awake and tell me that my snoring woke her up and that I had better not make a sound until she was fast asleep.
She would deny me food because I didn’t eat fast enough. When she was done- I was done. She would grab my plate and throw the remaining food in the trash- usually it was my dessert.
Another thing I was denied was the right to treasure anything. If a teacher had written a note like "good job" at the top of a school paper and I wanted to save it, I might hide it in my dresser drawer. Periodically and totally unannounced- my step-mother would storm into my room, dump all of the drawers out onto the floor, flip the mattress up checking underneath and then she would destroy everything she found.
She despised me and she made sure I knew it every single day.
So, it is easy to imagine that a child treated this way would harbor resentment, bitterness, vengeful thoughts and make vows like “when I grow up no one is ever going to treat me this way. No one is ever going to tell me what to eat.” It’s also easy to understand why this child might grow up into an adult that is angry with God, believing that He is not trustworthy- after all He has allowed a great deal of pain. He allowed the people who were responsible for my care and well-being to be hate-filled and cruel. It is easy to see how this could cause a child to question authority since those in authority were not trustworthy.
I think the enemy of God loves to injure and confuse small children. They are easy to deceive and they grow up into wounded adults with trust issues.
Thankfully, I have found God to be loving, tender, willing to heal my broken places, assuring me that He was not pleased with the way I was treated either. Vengeance belongs to Him- He will repay. I must forgive those things done to me and not allow bitter roots to grow. As someone once said “harboring unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Pulling Weeds
Call me a skeptic but whenever I hear about a great new book or program that is causing excitement I seriously doubt that it will have any significant impact on people's lives. The reason for my skepticism is that I truly believe that for any good seed (or idea) to grow- the soil must be prepared first and the weeds MUST be rooted out. They can't just be mowed down and raked up a bit, they must be rooted out deeply. If the weeds are allowed to remain there will be no significant fruit resulting from the seed no matter how pretty the package is.
It grieves me deeply to see people rushing out to buy the latest packet of pretty seed because I believe almost all of them are a total waste of time and energy. And I see it happening over and over and over. I admit that I have bought more than my share of "self-help books" in the hopes that I could find a quick easy fix for my life. It never works and it never will. There are no shortcuts to growing fruit.
The only reason for any hope at all in reading those books is that perhaps- just maybe- they will stir a deep longing for change and that longing will move a person toward the hard work of pulling weeds.
I love it when I find great tool that helps me in the battle- some blast of a chemical I can spray or some granule that prevents weed seed from germinating at all but the battle is still relentless. The wind blows and a zillion new weed seeds fly in. If we want to have a garden that bears any fruit at all- I believe the most important thing we can do once the seed is planted is to diligently root out weeds.
I think it is true as well in every area of our lives. The enemy wants to crush us with clutter, activity, busyness, needs, fears, worries, noise, temptations and the list could go on and on.
I have gone on vacation each year during July or August just to escape the humidity and when I come back the weeds have NOT been sleeping- their growth has been remarkable! But I roll up my sleeves and get back in the fight because we cannot grow weary in the battle- we must persevere and we must believe that it WILL pay off someday. There WILL be a harvest and when that lovely harvest comes in- all the sweat of labor will be forgotten.
It will be worth it all.
It grieves me deeply to see people rushing out to buy the latest packet of pretty seed because I believe almost all of them are a total waste of time and energy. And I see it happening over and over and over. I admit that I have bought more than my share of "self-help books" in the hopes that I could find a quick easy fix for my life. It never works and it never will. There are no shortcuts to growing fruit.
The only reason for any hope at all in reading those books is that perhaps- just maybe- they will stir a deep longing for change and that longing will move a person toward the hard work of pulling weeds.
I love it when I find great tool that helps me in the battle- some blast of a chemical I can spray or some granule that prevents weed seed from germinating at all but the battle is still relentless. The wind blows and a zillion new weed seeds fly in. If we want to have a garden that bears any fruit at all- I believe the most important thing we can do once the seed is planted is to diligently root out weeds.
I think it is true as well in every area of our lives. The enemy wants to crush us with clutter, activity, busyness, needs, fears, worries, noise, temptations and the list could go on and on.
I have gone on vacation each year during July or August just to escape the humidity and when I come back the weeds have NOT been sleeping- their growth has been remarkable! But I roll up my sleeves and get back in the fight because we cannot grow weary in the battle- we must persevere and we must believe that it WILL pay off someday. There WILL be a harvest and when that lovely harvest comes in- all the sweat of labor will be forgotten.
It will be worth it all.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Do I accept or ignore?
I downloaded some messages from the Desiring God conference just recently and one of the speakers said something about "accepting Jesus". He said Jesus doesn't need to be accepted- we need Jesus to accept US! It is very true. Jesus doesn't need friends so He can have a high number on His Facebook page. I thought about how people send messages asking to be accepted as a friend on Facebook. We have two buttons we can click on: "I accept" or "Ignore."
When it comes to Facebook it is a pretty shallow decision, not a lot hangs in the balance. But when we're talking about Christ we are making a decision that has a horrendous amount of importance. It is the most significant decision we will ever make! It is the decision between asking for a lifeline to be thrown to us or choosing to fall into the center of a raging volcano! If we "ignore" this choice we fall into agony and torment beyond anything we have ever imagined. And it isn't over quickly- like a fall into a boiling volcano would be- because we have a spiritual part that lives forever.
Forever and ever- realizing that they missed the whole point of life. I have many, many relatives eternally screaming in pain and anguish. They had a choice to make and not choosing IS a choice.
The way I see it- if everything I have experienced of God was all my imagination and God doesn't exist at all-if I die and just rot in the ground- then I just slowly rot into nothingness. My time spent pursuing God, learning about Him, praying to Him, serving Him didn't really matter but it didn't hurt anything either. But if I had chosen to ignore God in this life- and I died and found out I was wrong- it would be the most horrible mistake anyone could ever commit. And there would be no do-over.
God will not be mocked. We can't pretend to be following Him, going through the motions. The worse words we could ever hear are "I never knew you".
"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord...did we not prophesy in Your name and cast out demons, and ...perform many miracles?' And then I will declare to them "I never knew you; depart from Me..."" Matt 7:22
Those were upright church-going folks prophesying, doing miracles for crying out loud! But Jesus didn't know them.
They hadn't ever asked Christ to "accept" them as His friend. It's not too late for some of us. He is worth knowing. He is the most important friend we will ever make.
When it comes to Facebook it is a pretty shallow decision, not a lot hangs in the balance. But when we're talking about Christ we are making a decision that has a horrendous amount of importance. It is the most significant decision we will ever make! It is the decision between asking for a lifeline to be thrown to us or choosing to fall into the center of a raging volcano! If we "ignore" this choice we fall into agony and torment beyond anything we have ever imagined. And it isn't over quickly- like a fall into a boiling volcano would be- because we have a spiritual part that lives forever.
Forever and ever- realizing that they missed the whole point of life. I have many, many relatives eternally screaming in pain and anguish. They had a choice to make and not choosing IS a choice.
The way I see it- if everything I have experienced of God was all my imagination and God doesn't exist at all-if I die and just rot in the ground- then I just slowly rot into nothingness. My time spent pursuing God, learning about Him, praying to Him, serving Him didn't really matter but it didn't hurt anything either. But if I had chosen to ignore God in this life- and I died and found out I was wrong- it would be the most horrible mistake anyone could ever commit. And there would be no do-over.
God will not be mocked. We can't pretend to be following Him, going through the motions. The worse words we could ever hear are "I never knew you".
"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord...did we not prophesy in Your name and cast out demons, and ...perform many miracles?' And then I will declare to them "I never knew you; depart from Me..."" Matt 7:22
Those were upright church-going folks prophesying, doing miracles for crying out loud! But Jesus didn't know them.
They hadn't ever asked Christ to "accept" them as His friend. It's not too late for some of us. He is worth knowing. He is the most important friend we will ever make.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Is God Good?
That is a key question that must be addressed in the life of every Christian. Can He be trusted? We all say “yes, of course” but then we live lives that make it very obvious that we do not trust in a Sovereign God.
I have an ongoing battle with weight issues and I have often struggled to break free from all habits or food substances that have a hook in my flesh- coffee for example. (Cappuccino to be exact and the higher octane the better!) Every gas station sells double caffeine drinks. Truthfully, I have always believed my self-worth hinges on my productivity and so I reason that God created coffee beans so that we could go faster and do more. Honestly some people do value us more when we get work done.
In the Bible Paul said “all things are lawful for me but not all things are profitable…and I will not be mastered by anything". The truth is I am mastered by coffee and I have been for many years. When I wake up in the morning my first thought is not “Thank You Lord, for another day of life…” no, my first thought is “is the coffee done yet?”
A few weeks ago a friend gave me a deer that he’d shot (the farmers around here have an extended season because of crop damage). So I had about 80 lbs of meat that I was processing in my kitchen. Not wanting to waste any I ground up the stringy leg meat for dog food and I canned it. The trouble was – I took a shortcut to save time- so I could get more done. We all take shortcuts – caffeine is a shortcut.
A week later there started to be a very bad smell in my house and my husband and I looked everywhere- examined the sewer lines- checked seals and fittings- did online research for clues as to what our horrible smell might be and our search went on for over a week. We finally decided that it must be dead mice in the wall since we had recently done some repair work.
I burned incense, bought a zillion plug ins, burned candles, but the stench was unbearable. No matter how clean, vacuumed, washed and waxed my house was- the stench was overwhelming.
And then I noticed the jars of dog food had slightly changed color. I opened one and wham! I had discovered the source of the stench. I had 8 or 9 pints of putrid meat in the kitchen with all of the seals broken and the contents bubbling.
As I was cleaning and washing the last of it- with every fan blasting and all of the windows opened- the thought came to me- “You have a stench in your life”. Now, I have learned to recognize when God gives me these thoughts and when they are my own. This one was certainly not my own. Timidly I asked, “what is it?’ and the answer came back- “cappuccino”.
Oh! Please God! Anything but that! Don’t ask me to give that up!!
I believe in my heart that God is sufficient to supply all of the energy I need and I had no doubt that being addicted to an earthly substance stinks to Him. I also believe that He is good and He does not withhold good from His children so logically I knew that His asking me to give it up would bless my life. But I admit that I grieved for the first couple of days and felt sorry for myself but it’s been two weeks today since God pointed to my stench and I seldom even think about it anymore. God enabled me to quit "cold turkey" with only moderate headaches for a few days. The stench was gone from my house and from my life in a very short time.
God is good and I want to glorify Him in every aspect of my life.
I have an ongoing battle with weight issues and I have often struggled to break free from all habits or food substances that have a hook in my flesh- coffee for example. (Cappuccino to be exact and the higher octane the better!) Every gas station sells double caffeine drinks. Truthfully, I have always believed my self-worth hinges on my productivity and so I reason that God created coffee beans so that we could go faster and do more. Honestly some people do value us more when we get work done.
In the Bible Paul said “all things are lawful for me but not all things are profitable…and I will not be mastered by anything". The truth is I am mastered by coffee and I have been for many years. When I wake up in the morning my first thought is not “Thank You Lord, for another day of life…” no, my first thought is “is the coffee done yet?”
A few weeks ago a friend gave me a deer that he’d shot (the farmers around here have an extended season because of crop damage). So I had about 80 lbs of meat that I was processing in my kitchen. Not wanting to waste any I ground up the stringy leg meat for dog food and I canned it. The trouble was – I took a shortcut to save time- so I could get more done. We all take shortcuts – caffeine is a shortcut.
A week later there started to be a very bad smell in my house and my husband and I looked everywhere- examined the sewer lines- checked seals and fittings- did online research for clues as to what our horrible smell might be and our search went on for over a week. We finally decided that it must be dead mice in the wall since we had recently done some repair work.
I burned incense, bought a zillion plug ins, burned candles, but the stench was unbearable. No matter how clean, vacuumed, washed and waxed my house was- the stench was overwhelming.
And then I noticed the jars of dog food had slightly changed color. I opened one and wham! I had discovered the source of the stench. I had 8 or 9 pints of putrid meat in the kitchen with all of the seals broken and the contents bubbling.
As I was cleaning and washing the last of it- with every fan blasting and all of the windows opened- the thought came to me- “You have a stench in your life”. Now, I have learned to recognize when God gives me these thoughts and when they are my own. This one was certainly not my own. Timidly I asked, “what is it?’ and the answer came back- “cappuccino”.
Oh! Please God! Anything but that! Don’t ask me to give that up!!
I believe in my heart that God is sufficient to supply all of the energy I need and I had no doubt that being addicted to an earthly substance stinks to Him. I also believe that He is good and He does not withhold good from His children so logically I knew that His asking me to give it up would bless my life. But I admit that I grieved for the first couple of days and felt sorry for myself but it’s been two weeks today since God pointed to my stench and I seldom even think about it anymore. God enabled me to quit "cold turkey" with only moderate headaches for a few days. The stench was gone from my house and from my life in a very short time.
God is good and I want to glorify Him in every aspect of my life.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Mercy Without Repentance
I had gotten into a discussion with a friend recently on the subject of “cheap grace” which I will define here as “mercy without repentance” so I was continuing with my personal study for more understanding.
There are many people, I believe, who think that God Almighty will be gracious and allow them to enter into a “happily ever after” state of rest even though they live ugly, unrepentant lives and couldn’t care less about God’s plan in the here and now. I think they are in for a horrible shock.
I was reading Ezekiel 33 this morning struggling to understand a confusing passage and I wondered- why doesn’t God just clearly spell it out? He surely could have. Why are some things in the Bible still a mystery causing debate among Christians?
Suddenly I realized- What I do with the difficult passages of Scripture exposes my heart!
Do I ignore them? Exposed! Do I interpret them as cheap and easy salvation? I’m exposed!
Do I study hard and try to understand how to apply the principles to my life?
What do I do with them?
It suddenly occurred to me that God may have intentionally made the meaning of certain passages less clear and understandable. After all, He could’ve said “Thou shalt NOT… and clearly spelled it out but He didn’t. And He sees how we handle that.
He doesn’t want us to just keep a list of rules and laws. He wants us to love Him. He wants us to live for Him- please Him- honor Him in all we do. He created us for a love relationship. He doesn’t need my service or my money. He wants me to trust Him and obey what I understand and ideally to be growing- maturing- trying to understand more.
It was a sobering moment. He knows every thought I have. He sees my motive. He knows me better than I even know myself. What an amazing and personal God!
There are many people, I believe, who think that God Almighty will be gracious and allow them to enter into a “happily ever after” state of rest even though they live ugly, unrepentant lives and couldn’t care less about God’s plan in the here and now. I think they are in for a horrible shock.
I was reading Ezekiel 33 this morning struggling to understand a confusing passage and I wondered- why doesn’t God just clearly spell it out? He surely could have. Why are some things in the Bible still a mystery causing debate among Christians?
Suddenly I realized- What I do with the difficult passages of Scripture exposes my heart!
Do I ignore them? Exposed! Do I interpret them as cheap and easy salvation? I’m exposed!
Do I study hard and try to understand how to apply the principles to my life?
What do I do with them?
It suddenly occurred to me that God may have intentionally made the meaning of certain passages less clear and understandable. After all, He could’ve said “Thou shalt NOT… and clearly spelled it out but He didn’t. And He sees how we handle that.
He doesn’t want us to just keep a list of rules and laws. He wants us to love Him. He wants us to live for Him- please Him- honor Him in all we do. He created us for a love relationship. He doesn’t need my service or my money. He wants me to trust Him and obey what I understand and ideally to be growing- maturing- trying to understand more.
It was a sobering moment. He knows every thought I have. He sees my motive. He knows me better than I even know myself. What an amazing and personal God!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Astounding Paradox
The enemy of our soul is truly the great deceiver and continues to do an amazing job of blinding God’s people. I recently read a powerful article on Biblical counseling and the author said that the two great pastoral challenges are “to convince the lost man that he is enslaved to sin and to convince the saved man that he is not”.
We are so deceived. Our enemy has made us powerless.
I have a Christian friend who splashes her life around wildly like globs of water casually tossed about and then wonders why she has no sense of accomplishment- no sense of purpose or fulfillment. When challenged with the idea of funneling her energies and surrendering to God’s plan she says she wants to be FREE!- she doesn’t want to lose her individuality and unique characteristics.
Water splashed around willy-nilly is not free- it’s worthless and it evaporates into nothingness. Water channeled through a pipe or hose has not lost its character and individuality- it is purposeful, useful, valued. It cleanses, refreshes, it has power because it is directed by the pipeline. The enemy of this woman’s soul has blinded and deceived her. She truly does have beautiful talents that God would use mightily for His glory and she would feel so purposeful and fulfilled- if only she would surrender to Him. But day after day she chooses to splash her time and talents about and she yearns and longs deeply for a sense of purpose. She keeps starting new things in hopes that they will fulfill her- but they never do and they never will.
Learning to surrender my minutes to a great, all powerful, all loving God, and allowing Him to direct my energies has been the most freeing and soul-satisfying experience of my life. But let’s face it- in our flesh we don’t want to be under the authority of God- we want to BE God.
That is another foundational issue that I read in that same paper- every second of every day we are either trying to BE God or be under God. I keep thinking about that.
In everything we must consider God’s plan. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. But in our flesh- we don’t want to consider the will of God. We want to consider ourselves wise enough. And so we splash our lives around- throwing away life-time- money- energy and our enemy profits. Only God gives life- purpose- fulfillment. "Neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth." Until we believe that wholeheartedly and surrender all of our hopes and dreams - we are just splashing life away. 1Cor 3 talks about the day when each person's life will pass thru God's holy fire and all of a man's wisdom will be shown to be foolishness and futile.
God is so merciful to subject all of creation to futility- in hope that we will search for deeper meaning and come to find Him. We have to desire truth. Most people want to BE RIGHT but their hearts are not open to receive truth. Pride and a desire to BE God dominates.
The doorway to freedom and fulfillment- is found flat on your face- in humility before Almighty God. It's the most astounding paradox in all of life.
"Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last."
C.T. Studd
We are so deceived. Our enemy has made us powerless.
I have a Christian friend who splashes her life around wildly like globs of water casually tossed about and then wonders why she has no sense of accomplishment- no sense of purpose or fulfillment. When challenged with the idea of funneling her energies and surrendering to God’s plan she says she wants to be FREE!- she doesn’t want to lose her individuality and unique characteristics.
Water splashed around willy-nilly is not free- it’s worthless and it evaporates into nothingness. Water channeled through a pipe or hose has not lost its character and individuality- it is purposeful, useful, valued. It cleanses, refreshes, it has power because it is directed by the pipeline. The enemy of this woman’s soul has blinded and deceived her. She truly does have beautiful talents that God would use mightily for His glory and she would feel so purposeful and fulfilled- if only she would surrender to Him. But day after day she chooses to splash her time and talents about and she yearns and longs deeply for a sense of purpose. She keeps starting new things in hopes that they will fulfill her- but they never do and they never will.
Learning to surrender my minutes to a great, all powerful, all loving God, and allowing Him to direct my energies has been the most freeing and soul-satisfying experience of my life. But let’s face it- in our flesh we don’t want to be under the authority of God- we want to BE God.
That is another foundational issue that I read in that same paper- every second of every day we are either trying to BE God or be under God. I keep thinking about that.
In everything we must consider God’s plan. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. But in our flesh- we don’t want to consider the will of God. We want to consider ourselves wise enough. And so we splash our lives around- throwing away life-time- money- energy and our enemy profits. Only God gives life- purpose- fulfillment. "Neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth." Until we believe that wholeheartedly and surrender all of our hopes and dreams - we are just splashing life away. 1Cor 3 talks about the day when each person's life will pass thru God's holy fire and all of a man's wisdom will be shown to be foolishness and futile.
God is so merciful to subject all of creation to futility- in hope that we will search for deeper meaning and come to find Him. We have to desire truth. Most people want to BE RIGHT but their hearts are not open to receive truth. Pride and a desire to BE God dominates.
The doorway to freedom and fulfillment- is found flat on your face- in humility before Almighty God. It's the most astounding paradox in all of life.
"Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last."
C.T. Studd
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Busy With Trivia
Recently I was pondering the shallowness of our culture and how we waste so much of our time in shallow amusement. Digging down to the root meaning of the word amusement I discovered that the prefix "a" means without and "muse" means thought so amusement is "without thought." Well, it is true that when we want to be entertained and amused we don't want to have to do a lot of thinking.
It is sad to see how frantically busy we are- how jam packed our schedules are- but so much of our activitiy is of very little value- to anyone or anything. Think of how much money, time and energy we spend in this country manicuring lawns. Originally lawns served a purpose- they enabled the pioneers to see enemy, wolves, rattlesnakes etc. The lawn was a clearing that provided some safety but nowadays it is an idol.
Someone told me recently about how she had gone to a sick friend's house to mow their yard for them. She was mowing along when the next door neighbor came rushing out and was irate because she had crossed onto their property a few inches. The irate neighbor boasted that SHE took great pains with HER yard and didn't SCALP IT! My friend apologized profusely and tried to explain that she hadn't intended offense- she was only trying to help but there was no grace extended. How very sad to value grass blades over a human life.
One day we will stand before a great an awesome God and give an account for what we did with the precious time He allotted to us. May God give us eyes to see what He values while we still have time.
It is sad to see how frantically busy we are- how jam packed our schedules are- but so much of our activitiy is of very little value- to anyone or anything. Think of how much money, time and energy we spend in this country manicuring lawns. Originally lawns served a purpose- they enabled the pioneers to see enemy, wolves, rattlesnakes etc. The lawn was a clearing that provided some safety but nowadays it is an idol.
Someone told me recently about how she had gone to a sick friend's house to mow their yard for them. She was mowing along when the next door neighbor came rushing out and was irate because she had crossed onto their property a few inches. The irate neighbor boasted that SHE took great pains with HER yard and didn't SCALP IT! My friend apologized profusely and tried to explain that she hadn't intended offense- she was only trying to help but there was no grace extended. How very sad to value grass blades over a human life.
One day we will stand before a great an awesome God and give an account for what we did with the precious time He allotted to us. May God give us eyes to see what He values while we still have time.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Zeal and Passion
I once had a pastor rebuke me for my zeal. He told me I was like a "great dane puppy- cute and enthusiastic but you don't want it on your lap." Quite honestly I deserved the rebuke because I lacked maturity and wisdom but that was also my first taste of how lifeless Christianity can be. We want everything to be calm and in control- respectable and upright. We are much more concerned about the opinion of man than we are about our walk with God.
I believe God is worthy of all our praise. There is a great song out by Mercy Me right now called "All of Creation" and I just can't get it loud enough! I imagine the day when all of creation- all of the fish and birds look heavenward- the trees lift their branches- the corn plants all raise their leaves in praise! Every knee bends - no more energy spent with creatures running in every direction- fighting and pulling. All of creation- sing with me now! Look heavenward and give Him the praise due Him!
Friday I was playing that song in the car while I drove to work and I had to open the sunroof and raise my hands out the opening just because I was so filled with praise I thought I would burst with the joy and enthusiam of it all! I was on a stretch of county highway and I doubt if anyone saw me- but I really didn't care if they did! God is worthy of all our praise. One line in the song says "the reason we breathe is to sing of His glory!" I say "Amen!"
I believe God is worthy of all our praise. There is a great song out by Mercy Me right now called "All of Creation" and I just can't get it loud enough! I imagine the day when all of creation- all of the fish and birds look heavenward- the trees lift their branches- the corn plants all raise their leaves in praise! Every knee bends - no more energy spent with creatures running in every direction- fighting and pulling. All of creation- sing with me now! Look heavenward and give Him the praise due Him!
Friday I was playing that song in the car while I drove to work and I had to open the sunroof and raise my hands out the opening just because I was so filled with praise I thought I would burst with the joy and enthusiam of it all! I was on a stretch of county highway and I doubt if anyone saw me- but I really didn't care if they did! God is worthy of all our praise. One line in the song says "the reason we breathe is to sing of His glory!" I say "Amen!"
Truth Hunting
Maybe I should have called my blog site "truth hunting" because it is truth that brings peace. If you want your stomach to be filled you search for food. The satisfaction of a filled stomach is the end result not the object of the search.
I was struck this morning by something I read in "My Utmost for His Highest". Chambers says, and I'm paraphrasing -the test of our spirituality comes when we come up against injustice, meanness, ingratitude and turmoil all of which tend to make us spiritual sluggards. We use God to get peace and joy. We aren't searching for a deep knowledge of Him but for the gifts He gives to us. I had to pause and examine my motives to see if that is true of my hunt for peace. I can honestly say that I don't think it is my motive at all.
The suffering that I endured as a child caused so much emotional pain and confusion inside my head that my search for peace is truly a search for truth. I want to be filled with the truth of God. I want to be filled with God! He is the God of all truth. It is the enemy of our soul that is the great deceiver.
People who question God with thoughts such as "how could a good God allow this..." are actually claiming to be wiser than God Almighty! They are supposing that they know all- understand all- and they are judging God! They have been seriously deceived! And this is a common line of thought. The deceiver is not all that creative- he uses the same lies over and over because we are so easily deceived. I remember when I was a young adult, I thought "all Christians are hypocrites" and I have been amazed at how many times I've heard other people say that exact same line. Of course we are all hypocritical at times- we are broken and wounded people. But the point and purpose of the line that "all are hypocrites" is to keep people from exploring the truth of Christianity! And sadly, the line works all too well.
God has blessed my pursuit of truth. He has opened my eyes to see and experience life from a different perspective. I am learning more and more to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself because I truly believe that I am just passing thru this life- on my way to paradise. It doesn't make me complacent about sin and evil- I still hate it with a passion and fight against it- but even in the midst of a passionate fight -I can trust that God is good and righteousness will win in the end! And I am on the winning team!
I was struck this morning by something I read in "My Utmost for His Highest". Chambers says, and I'm paraphrasing -the test of our spirituality comes when we come up against injustice, meanness, ingratitude and turmoil all of which tend to make us spiritual sluggards. We use God to get peace and joy. We aren't searching for a deep knowledge of Him but for the gifts He gives to us. I had to pause and examine my motives to see if that is true of my hunt for peace. I can honestly say that I don't think it is my motive at all.
The suffering that I endured as a child caused so much emotional pain and confusion inside my head that my search for peace is truly a search for truth. I want to be filled with the truth of God. I want to be filled with God! He is the God of all truth. It is the enemy of our soul that is the great deceiver.
People who question God with thoughts such as "how could a good God allow this..." are actually claiming to be wiser than God Almighty! They are supposing that they know all- understand all- and they are judging God! They have been seriously deceived! And this is a common line of thought. The deceiver is not all that creative- he uses the same lies over and over because we are so easily deceived. I remember when I was a young adult, I thought "all Christians are hypocrites" and I have been amazed at how many times I've heard other people say that exact same line. Of course we are all hypocritical at times- we are broken and wounded people. But the point and purpose of the line that "all are hypocrites" is to keep people from exploring the truth of Christianity! And sadly, the line works all too well.
God has blessed my pursuit of truth. He has opened my eyes to see and experience life from a different perspective. I am learning more and more to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself because I truly believe that I am just passing thru this life- on my way to paradise. It doesn't make me complacent about sin and evil- I still hate it with a passion and fight against it- but even in the midst of a passionate fight -I can trust that God is good and righteousness will win in the end! And I am on the winning team!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Thank God for the Pain
I love the changing seasons! I love the slower pace of life in the winter but I am so ready and anxious for the birds to return in the spring and for the plants to grow. I love the crispy crunchy leaves of fall. Sometimes I go for walks and just praise God for the beauty of nature. He didn't HAVE to make leaves turn vibrant colors and be crunchy. He could have made them turn black and slimy and fall off the trees in globs.
Recently I was cleaning out an old aquarium and I got to looking at the polished rocks I had placed in there. They were beautiful! Why would God bother to make rocks pretty? I think it is because He absolutely adores us and wants to delight and charm us at every turn.
I worked for nearly 20 years as a seed analyst examining tiny little grass and flower seeds under a microscope. We would identify types- every seed has unique characteristics that make it identifiable. We would open the seed up and check for viability. It was amazing to see that several root nodes and the primary leaves are all there inside the seed. What an amazing Creator we have. He is worthy of praise.
Sometimes what prevents us from enjoying God deeply is our misunderstanding of pain. "How could a good God allow (fill in the blank)?" Thankfully, God hates sin more that I do and He is coming again to set things right! I rejoice in that truth! I long for the day!
I thank God for the pain I have endured because if not for the pain- I am not sure I would ever have been driven to search for truth and a reason to live. Ease and comfort are dangerous things.
Recently I was cleaning out an old aquarium and I got to looking at the polished rocks I had placed in there. They were beautiful! Why would God bother to make rocks pretty? I think it is because He absolutely adores us and wants to delight and charm us at every turn.
I worked for nearly 20 years as a seed analyst examining tiny little grass and flower seeds under a microscope. We would identify types- every seed has unique characteristics that make it identifiable. We would open the seed up and check for viability. It was amazing to see that several root nodes and the primary leaves are all there inside the seed. What an amazing Creator we have. He is worthy of praise.
Sometimes what prevents us from enjoying God deeply is our misunderstanding of pain. "How could a good God allow (fill in the blank)?" Thankfully, God hates sin more that I do and He is coming again to set things right! I rejoice in that truth! I long for the day!
I thank God for the pain I have endured because if not for the pain- I am not sure I would ever have been driven to search for truth and a reason to live. Ease and comfort are dangerous things.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Let the Pain Stop With Me
There seems to be a tendency in humanity to pass along the pain. When we are hurting, one option is to inflict pain on someone else and it temporarily distracts us. We all are responsible for our actions so I am not excusing them but I would guess that prisons are full of people who have suffered in one way or another and then acted out their pain on someone else.
I remember a terrifying night shortly after I had given birth to my first child. She was crying and crying. I was exhausted and sleep deprived. She had a belly ache and wouldn't stop crying. I had fed her and rocked her. She fell asleep in my arms and I gently put her back into the crib so I could get some sleep but she woke up and started crying again. I remember standing there starring down at her as she screamed- feeling a slurry of emotions- many of them not good. I remember wondering if I was capable of hurting a child- if there was an abuser inside of me. I felt terrified at the thought of passing on the pain but I knew that I was capable.
I think we are all capable of heinous crimes. We'd like to believe that we are "above it" but the heart of man is wicked and evil. Thankfully I chose to wake up my husband and I did not hurt my baby but sometimes when I see the news and hear about a woman who "lost it" and did something awful to her children... well, I feel compassion for her. I feel sad that she did not have someone to help -who would not judge or criticize her. I hear folks say " How could anyone ever do that to their child!?" implying that THEY would NEVER do such a thing. I think that remark indicates either naivete or pride. We are all capable of evil.
I have experienced a lot of emotional, mental and physical pain but I desperately wanted the pain to stop with me. I've made mistakes and I've passed on some of my pain but God mercifully protected me from repeating the abuse that I grew up with.
We need the power of God and the loving support of others to successfully make it through this life. Accepting that fact and embracing it wholeheartedly brings peace of mind.
I remember a terrifying night shortly after I had given birth to my first child. She was crying and crying. I was exhausted and sleep deprived. She had a belly ache and wouldn't stop crying. I had fed her and rocked her. She fell asleep in my arms and I gently put her back into the crib so I could get some sleep but she woke up and started crying again. I remember standing there starring down at her as she screamed- feeling a slurry of emotions- many of them not good. I remember wondering if I was capable of hurting a child- if there was an abuser inside of me. I felt terrified at the thought of passing on the pain but I knew that I was capable.
I think we are all capable of heinous crimes. We'd like to believe that we are "above it" but the heart of man is wicked and evil. Thankfully I chose to wake up my husband and I did not hurt my baby but sometimes when I see the news and hear about a woman who "lost it" and did something awful to her children... well, I feel compassion for her. I feel sad that she did not have someone to help -who would not judge or criticize her. I hear folks say " How could anyone ever do that to their child!?" implying that THEY would NEVER do such a thing. I think that remark indicates either naivete or pride. We are all capable of evil.
I have experienced a lot of emotional, mental and physical pain but I desperately wanted the pain to stop with me. I've made mistakes and I've passed on some of my pain but God mercifully protected me from repeating the abuse that I grew up with.
We need the power of God and the loving support of others to successfully make it through this life. Accepting that fact and embracing it wholeheartedly brings peace of mind.
Allowing Myself Compassion
I didn't receive compassion as a child. My Dad was bitter and depressed and absent most of the time. There was no one else who cared about me. I remember a time when I had some sort of stomach flu and I was walking across the kitchen when I "lost it" and threw up on the floor. My step-mother rushed at me- knocked me down- grabbed the hair on the back of my head and slammed my face into the vomit. She cursed me, slapped me and then threw a bucket and some rags at me and told me to clean that filth up.
I learned early to hide the fact that I was sick and I still struggle to this day to admit it when I am in pain.
Years later when I had children of my own, unfortunately I just didn't know how to act with compassion when they were sick. I honestly didn't know what to do. That may sound weird- as tho' compassion ought to be instinctive but I think much of it may be learned from seeing it modeled and I never saw it. I feel that I made some progress with my own kids because I wasn't abusive when they were sick but I was unemotional. The message I sent was "If you are sick- go to bed". I didn't fuss over them a lot. My daughter has 8 kids and she has pretty much the same attitude- maybe a bit more gentle than I was- and that is good.
As God has been healing my broken places I have found myself feeling more compassion. It feels a bit awkward sometimes but for the most part I like it. Sometimes I find myself feeling immense sadness and I have never allowed myself that before either. Both of those emotions can make me feel vulnerable. I do believe that God created us as emotional creatures and we are most alive when we can allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum.
I saw an illustration once of a water spigot with a little face on it and the accompanying text said that when we shut off the flow of some emotions and don't allow ourselves to feel them- we also shut off the flow of the pleasant emotions like love and joy. They all flow through the same spigot. You can't shut off some emotions without missing out on others. Peace is a calm, soothing, very pleasing sensation and I want more of it to flow thru my life. So, that means I have to open the faucet and allow myself to feel some of everything.
I learned early to hide the fact that I was sick and I still struggle to this day to admit it when I am in pain.
Years later when I had children of my own, unfortunately I just didn't know how to act with compassion when they were sick. I honestly didn't know what to do. That may sound weird- as tho' compassion ought to be instinctive but I think much of it may be learned from seeing it modeled and I never saw it. I feel that I made some progress with my own kids because I wasn't abusive when they were sick but I was unemotional. The message I sent was "If you are sick- go to bed". I didn't fuss over them a lot. My daughter has 8 kids and she has pretty much the same attitude- maybe a bit more gentle than I was- and that is good.
As God has been healing my broken places I have found myself feeling more compassion. It feels a bit awkward sometimes but for the most part I like it. Sometimes I find myself feeling immense sadness and I have never allowed myself that before either. Both of those emotions can make me feel vulnerable. I do believe that God created us as emotional creatures and we are most alive when we can allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum.
I saw an illustration once of a water spigot with a little face on it and the accompanying text said that when we shut off the flow of some emotions and don't allow ourselves to feel them- we also shut off the flow of the pleasant emotions like love and joy. They all flow through the same spigot. You can't shut off some emotions without missing out on others. Peace is a calm, soothing, very pleasing sensation and I want more of it to flow thru my life. So, that means I have to open the faucet and allow myself to feel some of everything.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Authenticity
One thing I hated about my family was our double life. Behind closed doors my step-mother was bitter and angry and every other word was a curse but if a visitor arrived suddenly my step-mother would become all syrupy sweet. She would talk to me firmly but politely. Then after company left her tone of voice would change and she would slap me up side the head and tell me to get out of her sight cause I was making her sick!
It was so confusing to me at first. I had never met anyone before that would have an instant personality change like that. I understood, even as a child, that grown-ups got tired and crabby but this was something else. This was false- phony- deceptive and I grew to hate it. I resolved even as a young child to never pretend to be something I wasn't.
God delights in authenticity.
Psalm 51 says that God desires truth in the innermost parts of my being.
A friend gave me a book of poems once as a gift and she wrote inside the cover
"What you would seem to be--be really."
No conflict, nothing pretentious. It is necessary for inner peace.
It was so confusing to me at first. I had never met anyone before that would have an instant personality change like that. I understood, even as a child, that grown-ups got tired and crabby but this was something else. This was false- phony- deceptive and I grew to hate it. I resolved even as a young child to never pretend to be something I wasn't.
God delights in authenticity.
Psalm 51 says that God desires truth in the innermost parts of my being.
A friend gave me a book of poems once as a gift and she wrote inside the cover
"What you would seem to be--be really."
No conflict, nothing pretentious. It is necessary for inner peace.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Lost Art of Waiting
I remember the day when we would write a letter longhand, fold it, address the envelope, lick the stamp and the edge of the envelope, put it in the mail and wait 10 to 14 days for a reply. Today we send a text message and if we don't hear back in 5 minutes we get impatient! We've forgotten how to wait.
If you consider that we have grown up watching TV shows where a problem arises and a half hour later everything is fine and they all live happily ever after- well, is it any wonder that we want instant fixes? We've come to expect things to happen fast.
The real treasures that are found in relationship with God require diligence. The disciplines that will bring about true wisdom and understanding require many, many hours of reading and pondering. There is no microwave version. It is all slow simmering.
I think our fast moving culture, our busy lives and our expectations of a quick return for every effort work against us mining the deep, rich treasures in God's word. We don't know how to wait or rest and we don't want to sit still (or we are so highly caffeinated that we can't). We've forgotten how to think deeply and we have also lost the art of deep conversation.
We are going faster but we are just skimming the surface of life.
If you consider that we have grown up watching TV shows where a problem arises and a half hour later everything is fine and they all live happily ever after- well, is it any wonder that we want instant fixes? We've come to expect things to happen fast.
The real treasures that are found in relationship with God require diligence. The disciplines that will bring about true wisdom and understanding require many, many hours of reading and pondering. There is no microwave version. It is all slow simmering.
I think our fast moving culture, our busy lives and our expectations of a quick return for every effort work against us mining the deep, rich treasures in God's word. We don't know how to wait or rest and we don't want to sit still (or we are so highly caffeinated that we can't). We've forgotten how to think deeply and we have also lost the art of deep conversation.
We are going faster but we are just skimming the surface of life.
The Lost Art of Rest
I have been struck recently by the number of women who tell me that they cannot sleep at night. One middle aged friend is learning a new computer program and the stress level at work is very high. She has family demands at home and when evening comes she is utterly exhausted but night after night she finds that sleeps eludes her. She tosses and turns from 3 am until she rises to face another stress-filled exhausting day.
On Sunday I approached a gal in her 20's and asked her about whether or not she could join us at the Bible study she had signed up for. She told me she hasn't been able to sleep and the idea of going somewhere in the evening didn't appeal to her. She is exhausted and she is young.
What are we doing that is so important? Why do we need to run so fast? Are we trying to pack more into life? Is that why we have so many highly caffeinated drinks available to us?
We even come back from our vacations exhausted! What is wrong with this picture?
We are driven. We don't even know why. We have never known any other way. Many people are missing the entire point of why they have been given life.
They are running frantically day after exhausting day. But the trouble is- the day is fast approaching when they are going to stand before Almighty God and get the shock of their life. They are going to discover that He wanted us to stop striving to impress people and acquire stuff and take time to know Him as Lord.
I grieve over the frantic pace of people's lives and the futility of it all. The enemy of God has deceived us into thinking we MUST get all sorts of (earthly) things done and that we simply don't have time to consider the deeper things of life.
On Sunday I approached a gal in her 20's and asked her about whether or not she could join us at the Bible study she had signed up for. She told me she hasn't been able to sleep and the idea of going somewhere in the evening didn't appeal to her. She is exhausted and she is young.
What are we doing that is so important? Why do we need to run so fast? Are we trying to pack more into life? Is that why we have so many highly caffeinated drinks available to us?
We even come back from our vacations exhausted! What is wrong with this picture?
We are driven. We don't even know why. We have never known any other way. Many people are missing the entire point of why they have been given life.
They are running frantically day after exhausting day. But the trouble is- the day is fast approaching when they are going to stand before Almighty God and get the shock of their life. They are going to discover that He wanted us to stop striving to impress people and acquire stuff and take time to know Him as Lord.
I grieve over the frantic pace of people's lives and the futility of it all. The enemy of God has deceived us into thinking we MUST get all sorts of (earthly) things done and that we simply don't have time to consider the deeper things of life.
Peace Isn't Circumstantial
Somedays I feel such a peace and calm and it has nothing to do with my circumstances. One day I stepped on the scale and got a good number. The thought occured to me- I am not feeling peace because the scale gave me a good number- the scale gave me a good number because I am feeling peace. The good results on the scale was the fruit of being at peace. That seems like the way it ought to be. Find inner peace and the rest of life's struggles fall into place.
Another benefit of inner peace is that it gives glory to God. Recently I worked through some painful memories and it occured to me that when I am stressed, rebellious, living in sin, overwhelmed by life, running around like a chicken with my head cut off... like most Americans are these days, I am actually stealing something from God. I belong to Him, He created me to enjoy a relationship with Him forever, and if I am living a life of chaos- then He doesn't get to enjoy what is rightfully His.
I imagined it to be similar to companionship with a dog. Suppose I purchased one at great cost. My primary goal was to enjoy companionship with it. Then suppose someone stole it from me and abused it, neglected it, robbed me of my enjoyment of it. Imagine that ten years later the dog was restored to me- at the end of its life. I would have been robbed of valuable time and the one thing that I longed for-companionship.
If we compared this to our relationship with God, we see that He purchased us at great cost to Himself and we are rightfully His. Suppose we live in bondage all of our lives to sin and wrong thinking- then we are robbing Him of the companionship He so desires. Even if we truly are saved from eternal separation and we are restored to Him at the end of life -we have still missed out on the pleasure of enjoying a deep satisfying relationship with God during our earthly life.
We have all heard stories on the news of children who have been stolen and sometimes we hear of one being returned- but I would guess that life is never the same and there is always pain associated with the lost years.
I want to enjoy God now while I am alive. I want to trust Him, rely on Him, study His Word and learn more about what pleases Him. Spending time with Him gives me peace and calms my soul.
Recently I rented a small cabin at Green Valley State Park near Creston and a huge storm blew up complete with tornado. The ranger drove up to my cabin and told me where to take shelter if I heard the sirens go off because the cabin wasn't storm proof. I smiled and told him that I believed my life was in God's hands every single day and that if the Lord decided to take me out in a tornado- I figured He could do it whether I was hiding in a concrete bathroom building or sitting on the porch enjoying the storm. And I meant it- I felt peace. I was not afraid of the storm. God knows the path of every tornado and lightning bolt. My trust is in Him and not the camp bathroom building.
Another benefit of inner peace is that it gives glory to God. Recently I worked through some painful memories and it occured to me that when I am stressed, rebellious, living in sin, overwhelmed by life, running around like a chicken with my head cut off... like most Americans are these days, I am actually stealing something from God. I belong to Him, He created me to enjoy a relationship with Him forever, and if I am living a life of chaos- then He doesn't get to enjoy what is rightfully His.
I imagined it to be similar to companionship with a dog. Suppose I purchased one at great cost. My primary goal was to enjoy companionship with it. Then suppose someone stole it from me and abused it, neglected it, robbed me of my enjoyment of it. Imagine that ten years later the dog was restored to me- at the end of its life. I would have been robbed of valuable time and the one thing that I longed for-companionship.
If we compared this to our relationship with God, we see that He purchased us at great cost to Himself and we are rightfully His. Suppose we live in bondage all of our lives to sin and wrong thinking- then we are robbing Him of the companionship He so desires. Even if we truly are saved from eternal separation and we are restored to Him at the end of life -we have still missed out on the pleasure of enjoying a deep satisfying relationship with God during our earthly life.
We have all heard stories on the news of children who have been stolen and sometimes we hear of one being returned- but I would guess that life is never the same and there is always pain associated with the lost years.
I want to enjoy God now while I am alive. I want to trust Him, rely on Him, study His Word and learn more about what pleases Him. Spending time with Him gives me peace and calms my soul.
Recently I rented a small cabin at Green Valley State Park near Creston and a huge storm blew up complete with tornado. The ranger drove up to my cabin and told me where to take shelter if I heard the sirens go off because the cabin wasn't storm proof. I smiled and told him that I believed my life was in God's hands every single day and that if the Lord decided to take me out in a tornado- I figured He could do it whether I was hiding in a concrete bathroom building or sitting on the porch enjoying the storm. And I meant it- I felt peace. I was not afraid of the storm. God knows the path of every tornado and lightning bolt. My trust is in Him and not the camp bathroom building.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Mind Numbing Pain
I met a woman this week. She doesn't live around here. She drove several hours to come and talk to me. She said she needed a Christian woman to bare her soul to. Her story was so embarassing to her that she couldn't tell anyone in her own church or community.
As I listened to her story I wept. My brain was racing with prayer. "Oh Dear God! You have to help me here! I am so over my head! How can I possibly counsel her?"
Her appearance was pleasant, her clothing fashionable and nice, her handbag was fine leather, her shoes and hair...her car, all excellent, high quality. She was slim and healthy but inside of her heart was the deadly poison of unforgiveness. And she had no peace. Her soul was tormented by her inability to forgive. She had tried over and over.
The sin that was committed against her staggered my mind. I felt as tho' I had been punched in the gut- I scarcely could breathe as I listened while she calmly told the story.
The horrible sins that humanity is capable of just grieves me to the core. It is terrifying because I am capable of horrible sin too and I know it.
Years ago my pastors were teaching a series on the ten commandments. It was Friday afternoon and I was working in the church office while a pastor studied in his room. He came out for a break and I asked "What commandments are you teaching on this week?" "Thou shalt not kill." he answered. "Well," I began "at least that's one commandment I haven't..." but then I stopped without finishing the sentence because I remembered the abortion. We looked at each other awkwardly. It hit me- I have broken all of the commandments.
I have been at the bottom of the pit. I've committed every sort of evil. It is an astounding thing to me that God was willing to reach down into the filth - lift me up- wash me off- and adopt me as His own child, to give my life purpose and meaning.
No sin is too ugly to forgive. And when I am faced with sin that is so dark that my mind feels numb with the pain and horror of it, I can pray, with hope, that the sinner will repent! I can pray that he will have a fear- even a terror- of facing God Almighty and giving an account for his deeds.
The trouble is- the man in this woman's story is well known in his community, a key leader even in his church. He thinks he is very wealthy and powerful but unless he empties himself and cries out to God- he is in for a horrible shock.
The most precious jewel in all the world is a healthy fear of God.
As I listened to her story I wept. My brain was racing with prayer. "Oh Dear God! You have to help me here! I am so over my head! How can I possibly counsel her?"
Her appearance was pleasant, her clothing fashionable and nice, her handbag was fine leather, her shoes and hair...her car, all excellent, high quality. She was slim and healthy but inside of her heart was the deadly poison of unforgiveness. And she had no peace. Her soul was tormented by her inability to forgive. She had tried over and over.
The sin that was committed against her staggered my mind. I felt as tho' I had been punched in the gut- I scarcely could breathe as I listened while she calmly told the story.
The horrible sins that humanity is capable of just grieves me to the core. It is terrifying because I am capable of horrible sin too and I know it.
Years ago my pastors were teaching a series on the ten commandments. It was Friday afternoon and I was working in the church office while a pastor studied in his room. He came out for a break and I asked "What commandments are you teaching on this week?" "Thou shalt not kill." he answered. "Well," I began "at least that's one commandment I haven't..." but then I stopped without finishing the sentence because I remembered the abortion. We looked at each other awkwardly. It hit me- I have broken all of the commandments.
I have been at the bottom of the pit. I've committed every sort of evil. It is an astounding thing to me that God was willing to reach down into the filth - lift me up- wash me off- and adopt me as His own child, to give my life purpose and meaning.
No sin is too ugly to forgive. And when I am faced with sin that is so dark that my mind feels numb with the pain and horror of it, I can pray, with hope, that the sinner will repent! I can pray that he will have a fear- even a terror- of facing God Almighty and giving an account for his deeds.
The trouble is- the man in this woman's story is well known in his community, a key leader even in his church. He thinks he is very wealthy and powerful but unless he empties himself and cries out to God- he is in for a horrible shock.
The most precious jewel in all the world is a healthy fear of God.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
My Last Diet
About five months ago I embarked on what I wanted to be my last diet effort. I wanted to seek God for a plan and then walk in obedience every day no matter what. I wanted to quit making excuses...not enough time...it's too hard...this is a special occasion, etc. and just obey.
I discovered early in the process that "not eating" required a HUGE amount of mental energy. Since I have fasted a number of times I already knew that experientially and logically but making the firm decision to persevere for the long haul put it into a new perspective. I realized that I needed to trim down the demands on my mind if I was going to trim down my body. I would need time to think. I would need to plan ahead, shop wisely, prepare healthy meals and so on but even more than that- I discovered that I needed free space inside my head. I am not sure I can even describe it very well but if you have ever tried going completely without any food or water for a period of time then you know that it requires concentration, focus, mental energy.
The trouble is- life is demanding, fast paced and needs are everywhere. If I want people to esteem and value me I need to be keeping up- meeting needs- proving my worth. I learned that as a small child. My parents worked hard and the only way to get their approval was by working hard also. The message I got was that I have no value outside of my performance. I don't deserve to take the time needed to care for myself, rest, relax, be creative and enjoy something.
The trouble with this mindset and lifestyle is that it leaves me feeling empty and drained because- let's face it- we can never give enough. When I felt drained I would turn to something like food or shopping to fill the void. It can be a vicious cycle. I can give and serve to the point of feeling bitter and resentful. Then I pull away from everyone and eat or shop to make myself feel better and then I go back to serving again until I am sucked dry. And then repeat day after day.
God has been showing me a new path. I don't have it fully mastered yet because I have a long history of wrong behavior so it will take time to learn a new dance. I have discovered that it is a boundary problem. It is ok to tell people "no" and not meet every need that comes my way, after all, I am NOT God. If I feel guilty saying no I need to ask myself "why"?
I need to address my personal needs and manage my life in a way that is pleasing to God- not people. This mindset produces inner peace and calm. The chances are great that people will not be pleased with my limited ability to give. Jesus lived life perfectly and the people brutally murdered Him. They were not pleased with Him and if He can't please them why do I repeatedly exhaust myself trying?
I need to please God and have a clear conscience in how I am managing my health, time, weight, money- and everything else He has given me. That requires a clear, uncluttered, focused mind. I can't be frantically racing around, anxiously trying to pack the most into my day. Actually, that kind of behavior exposes my insecurity and lack of faith. If I am confident that God is in control then I can rest and take the time to care for myself.
I need to seek God in this because my human tendency might be to swing too far the other way and become a lazy, self-indulgent slob. That would not be God-honoring either. We really need His wisdom day by day to manage this wisely. There will be times when God calls me to lay aside my comfort and rest and give sacrificially and when He does He will give me the strength to do it. It is like managing a mental bank account- withdrawals are fine - as long as regular deposits are being made.
I discovered early in the process that "not eating" required a HUGE amount of mental energy. Since I have fasted a number of times I already knew that experientially and logically but making the firm decision to persevere for the long haul put it into a new perspective. I realized that I needed to trim down the demands on my mind if I was going to trim down my body. I would need time to think. I would need to plan ahead, shop wisely, prepare healthy meals and so on but even more than that- I discovered that I needed free space inside my head. I am not sure I can even describe it very well but if you have ever tried going completely without any food or water for a period of time then you know that it requires concentration, focus, mental energy.
The trouble is- life is demanding, fast paced and needs are everywhere. If I want people to esteem and value me I need to be keeping up- meeting needs- proving my worth. I learned that as a small child. My parents worked hard and the only way to get their approval was by working hard also. The message I got was that I have no value outside of my performance. I don't deserve to take the time needed to care for myself, rest, relax, be creative and enjoy something.
The trouble with this mindset and lifestyle is that it leaves me feeling empty and drained because- let's face it- we can never give enough. When I felt drained I would turn to something like food or shopping to fill the void. It can be a vicious cycle. I can give and serve to the point of feeling bitter and resentful. Then I pull away from everyone and eat or shop to make myself feel better and then I go back to serving again until I am sucked dry. And then repeat day after day.
God has been showing me a new path. I don't have it fully mastered yet because I have a long history of wrong behavior so it will take time to learn a new dance. I have discovered that it is a boundary problem. It is ok to tell people "no" and not meet every need that comes my way, after all, I am NOT God. If I feel guilty saying no I need to ask myself "why"?
I need to address my personal needs and manage my life in a way that is pleasing to God- not people. This mindset produces inner peace and calm. The chances are great that people will not be pleased with my limited ability to give. Jesus lived life perfectly and the people brutally murdered Him. They were not pleased with Him and if He can't please them why do I repeatedly exhaust myself trying?
I need to please God and have a clear conscience in how I am managing my health, time, weight, money- and everything else He has given me. That requires a clear, uncluttered, focused mind. I can't be frantically racing around, anxiously trying to pack the most into my day. Actually, that kind of behavior exposes my insecurity and lack of faith. If I am confident that God is in control then I can rest and take the time to care for myself.
I need to seek God in this because my human tendency might be to swing too far the other way and become a lazy, self-indulgent slob. That would not be God-honoring either. We really need His wisdom day by day to manage this wisely. There will be times when God calls me to lay aside my comfort and rest and give sacrificially and when He does He will give me the strength to do it. It is like managing a mental bank account- withdrawals are fine - as long as regular deposits are being made.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Mind Peace
I have discovered that a key factor in having and keeping peace- inside of my head- is influenced by what comes into my mind. Thoughts are like birds or flying insects- they are constant and one cannot fully control them. But the majority of what comes into my world is by my choice.
In my hunt for peace I have found it to be very important that I guard my mind and choose wisely. That means monitoring the music that I listen to, the TV shows that I watch, the books that I read and so on.
I was in the habit of watching CSI when it first came out years ago. I loved the investigative elements of the show but as the months rolled on sometimes I found myself feeling defiled by the horrible crime that was committed at the start of the show. Of course, there had to be a crime to solve but sometimes there was a sinister, evil element that lingered in my thinking. I felt convicted that I shouldn't be watching so many cop shows but I didn't want to give them up. So then, I not only felt defiled by the evil in the show but I felt a sense of guilt and shame for watching it despite the effect it had on me.
Needless to say, this is not a good scenario for peace.
I have given up watching cop shows. I don't miss them at all. The sense of being defiled and the conviction I had felt was from the Spirit of God who was trying to steer me away from evil and lead me to a better path. I try to fill my mind with things that honor and please God. Then I skip the guilt and shame and it moves me toward a greater sense of peace.
Sometimes I need to sort thru past memories to find things that have stolen my peace but other times I just need to be on guard against things that threaten to steal it in the here and now.
In my hunt for peace I have found it to be very important that I guard my mind and choose wisely. That means monitoring the music that I listen to, the TV shows that I watch, the books that I read and so on.
I was in the habit of watching CSI when it first came out years ago. I loved the investigative elements of the show but as the months rolled on sometimes I found myself feeling defiled by the horrible crime that was committed at the start of the show. Of course, there had to be a crime to solve but sometimes there was a sinister, evil element that lingered in my thinking. I felt convicted that I shouldn't be watching so many cop shows but I didn't want to give them up. So then, I not only felt defiled by the evil in the show but I felt a sense of guilt and shame for watching it despite the effect it had on me.
Needless to say, this is not a good scenario for peace.
I have given up watching cop shows. I don't miss them at all. The sense of being defiled and the conviction I had felt was from the Spirit of God who was trying to steer me away from evil and lead me to a better path. I try to fill my mind with things that honor and please God. Then I skip the guilt and shame and it moves me toward a greater sense of peace.
Sometimes I need to sort thru past memories to find things that have stolen my peace but other times I just need to be on guard against things that threaten to steal it in the here and now.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Making Peace with the Past
I have discovered that if I desire true and deep peace in the here and now, I have to make peace with my past. I can't just bury it or ignore it. I watched a part of a program on TV last night about the horrors of the Vietnam conflict and grown men would break down and weep as they told their stories. The pain doesn't disappear- it is very real and a part of who we are. But I have discovered that God is very willing and able to heal my emotional wounds and show me the truth- if I am willing to go and look.
This morning in my quiet time with God I read a bit about the roots of food issues. The author claimed that there are building blocks in life and we cannot fix a top block if a foundational block is amiss. First, he said, we must like ourselves- then we are free to enjoy relationships with people. If we enjoy healthy relationships with people- then we can have a healthy relationship with food. He says people come to him and say "fix my food issues" and he says to them "what don't you like about yourself? We need to start there."
When I asked myself that question I immediately thought of being 14 years old- it was during my "10 years of hell". My step-mother despised me. I had one yellow plastic cup that I was allowed to drink out of and I wasn't even allowed to touch the others. I had one threadbare rag of a towel that I was allowed to dry myself on. She would kick me in the back to wake me up in the morning. She despised me every minute of every day. I was pimply faced and flat chested so I didn't fit in at school either. I felt so lost and alone. People didn't like me but I couldn't DO anything about the things they disliked. I felt hopeless and helpless. Powerless.
So, I asked God to show me "how do I make peace with this memory? What needs to happen in my thinking that will enable me to lay this painful stuff to rest?" I walked around inside my head- meandering through the memories- visiting the rooms of the house we lived in- looking for peace. It is clear to me now that my step-mother was a very unhappy woman. She felt unloved herself. She was bitter and she was looking for a dog to kick. I just happened to be there- as the dog. I didn't do anything to deserve her hate- the rage and frustration was inside of her. I was just something to kick.
And then I realized that God's hand was on me even then. I survived those 10 years of hell. God had a plan to rescue me, redeem my life and use me for His glory. I am blessed indeed. I hold no bitterness toward my step-mother. My desire is to face God today with a clear conscience- naked and unashamed- hiding nothing from Him- with a peace in the innermost parts of my being. No hate, no bitterness, no anger or unresolved emotions- just sweet peace. "Tho He slay me yet I will trust Him." God's character is not in question in my soul. He is with me now and He was with me then.
This morning in my quiet time with God I read a bit about the roots of food issues. The author claimed that there are building blocks in life and we cannot fix a top block if a foundational block is amiss. First, he said, we must like ourselves- then we are free to enjoy relationships with people. If we enjoy healthy relationships with people- then we can have a healthy relationship with food. He says people come to him and say "fix my food issues" and he says to them "what don't you like about yourself? We need to start there."
When I asked myself that question I immediately thought of being 14 years old- it was during my "10 years of hell". My step-mother despised me. I had one yellow plastic cup that I was allowed to drink out of and I wasn't even allowed to touch the others. I had one threadbare rag of a towel that I was allowed to dry myself on. She would kick me in the back to wake me up in the morning. She despised me every minute of every day. I was pimply faced and flat chested so I didn't fit in at school either. I felt so lost and alone. People didn't like me but I couldn't DO anything about the things they disliked. I felt hopeless and helpless. Powerless.
So, I asked God to show me "how do I make peace with this memory? What needs to happen in my thinking that will enable me to lay this painful stuff to rest?" I walked around inside my head- meandering through the memories- visiting the rooms of the house we lived in- looking for peace. It is clear to me now that my step-mother was a very unhappy woman. She felt unloved herself. She was bitter and she was looking for a dog to kick. I just happened to be there- as the dog. I didn't do anything to deserve her hate- the rage and frustration was inside of her. I was just something to kick.
And then I realized that God's hand was on me even then. I survived those 10 years of hell. God had a plan to rescue me, redeem my life and use me for His glory. I am blessed indeed. I hold no bitterness toward my step-mother. My desire is to face God today with a clear conscience- naked and unashamed- hiding nothing from Him- with a peace in the innermost parts of my being. No hate, no bitterness, no anger or unresolved emotions- just sweet peace. "Tho He slay me yet I will trust Him." God's character is not in question in my soul. He is with me now and He was with me then.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Peacefilled Vacation
A few months ago I was convicted about my struggle with weight issues. I felt that the root problem was spiritual and I started hunting for truth. I found a program that was mindlessly easy. I started losing weight and feeling like I was on a good path. It gave me peace of mind to just plod along a day at a time, persevering and slowly making progress. There is nothing magical about the program itself- it is just a method- a tool to help me reach a goal.
Anyway, my husband and I are leaving for a few days of camping in Arkansas. As I was prepping for the trip- planning what to eat during the car trip and while camping, I started thinking about "taking a vacation" from my diet. "I deserve a break and it would be easier and lots more convenient to make some exceptions to the plan". That was the train of thought that frequently came to mind.
Today, in reading "My Utmost For His Highest" Chambers says "You no more need a holiday from spiritual concentration than your heart needs a holiday from beating. You cannot have a moral holiday and remain moral...".
Wow! That was just what I needed to hear to get my heart back on track. I am so amazed at the nearness of God and I wonder - what are the chances of this topic popping up on the very day before our trip? God is so faithful to speak truth to us from a variety of sources if we are truly hungry for it. I want to keep cultivating a heart that stays open to God and wants to be lead in truth.
Anyway, my husband and I are leaving for a few days of camping in Arkansas. As I was prepping for the trip- planning what to eat during the car trip and while camping, I started thinking about "taking a vacation" from my diet. "I deserve a break and it would be easier and lots more convenient to make some exceptions to the plan". That was the train of thought that frequently came to mind.
Today, in reading "My Utmost For His Highest" Chambers says "You no more need a holiday from spiritual concentration than your heart needs a holiday from beating. You cannot have a moral holiday and remain moral...".
Wow! That was just what I needed to hear to get my heart back on track. I am so amazed at the nearness of God and I wonder - what are the chances of this topic popping up on the very day before our trip? God is so faithful to speak truth to us from a variety of sources if we are truly hungry for it. I want to keep cultivating a heart that stays open to God and wants to be lead in truth.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Today's Thought
This morning I was reading Matt 11 and Christ was talking about His cousin John who dressed humbly and ate locust, didn't drink wine and people said he is crazy- he has a demon. But about Christ they said "He is a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!" (sounds like you can't win in trying to please people!). But then in the last half of the verse there is a sentence that SEEMS totally unrelated to what He is talking about. (I've learned that these comments are never unrelated). So, right after saying He is a friend of sinners- it says "yet, wisdom is vindicated by her deeds. " ESVersion says "Wisdom is justified by her deeds."
It was one of those moments when I think "I've never seen that before."
Since I had gone to Matt 11 to read about being yoked with Christ (that was the verse for the day in "My Utmost for His Highest") I started pondering both lines of thought together.
If we are wise in choosing what (or even who) to be yoked with in this life our choice will be vindicated one day. Humbly seeking God for wisdom before making decisions can have huge and profound value down the road. People may not approve, they may scoff and ridicule but wisdom will be vindicated. God's wisdom will be proven to be right in the end even when it makes no sense here and now.
The example that came to mind was when people choose to be yoked to the idea of living in a mansion here and now. They spend all of their time working for the paycheck so they can make payments on the big house for years and years. They are hoping to win approval from others but they are very definitely yoked to the debt. They have made a decision that affects the majority of their life and the life of their family. In this country it is such a commonplace choice that we hardly even see it as an option but it is.
The day is coming when we'll stand before Almighty God and we'll be naked and empty handed. All of our earthly possessions will be gone-- you really can't take it with you. Oh, how I long for more wisdom! It feels like I make a million choices every day that I have to live with later on. I need to be wise.
It was one of those moments when I think "I've never seen that before."
Since I had gone to Matt 11 to read about being yoked with Christ (that was the verse for the day in "My Utmost for His Highest") I started pondering both lines of thought together.
If we are wise in choosing what (or even who) to be yoked with in this life our choice will be vindicated one day. Humbly seeking God for wisdom before making decisions can have huge and profound value down the road. People may not approve, they may scoff and ridicule but wisdom will be vindicated. God's wisdom will be proven to be right in the end even when it makes no sense here and now.
The example that came to mind was when people choose to be yoked to the idea of living in a mansion here and now. They spend all of their time working for the paycheck so they can make payments on the big house for years and years. They are hoping to win approval from others but they are very definitely yoked to the debt. They have made a decision that affects the majority of their life and the life of their family. In this country it is such a commonplace choice that we hardly even see it as an option but it is.
The day is coming when we'll stand before Almighty God and we'll be naked and empty handed. All of our earthly possessions will be gone-- you really can't take it with you. Oh, how I long for more wisdom! It feels like I make a million choices every day that I have to live with later on. I need to be wise.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Pursuing Peace
Getting to a place of inner peace and calm has become my passion-perhaps because I have gotten a taste of it and found it to be the most amazing place. It is sweeter than anything I have ever tasted. It's a place of God-centeredness. There is no guilt, no shame, no regret, no bitterness or agitation of any kind. I suppose it is a taste of heaven and I want more. Unfortunately, everything on earth opposes me. I am bombarded by tasks that must be done, people that must be attended to, needs that must be met and even fleshly requirements such as necessary sleep.
I am also amazed at how very real and influential the pains of my past are to my current life. They have colored my opinions, influenced my personality and my default responses to life are affected, there is no doubt in my mind.
We have an amazing ministry in our church which we call "Renew" because it focuses on renewing the mind as Romans 12 tells us to do. Don't be conformed to the world, the passage says, but be transformed- changed- by the renewing of your mind.
Anyway, I have found that forgiveness is the most amazing and transforming experience. When I forgive someone, even someone who is dead and gone, it feels as though a huge rock has been taken out of the backpack that I carry through life. I feel joy!
My husband and I like to camp in the wilderness so we go to Colorado nearly every summer and we still love to hike off to remote locations. One time we carried everything we needed (except water) to live for 4 days in the wilderness. We had a filter to purify water. Our backpacks were very heavy with tent, sleeping bags, food and cooking gear. We had to hike very slowly because there is "no air" in Colorado- at least it feels that way to flat-landers.
So I have experienced first hand what it feels like to plod along with a heavy load attached to me. When we reach our camping destination we remove the huge packs and set up camp. Whenever we go day hiking we carry clean water and snacks, a rain pancho for the sudden storms that come up, maybe a few first aid items, binoculars, maybe a camera, but the load is so much lighter. It does not feel like a burden at all compared to the backpack.
That is how I feel after I have honestly come before God and examined my "load". He opens my eyes to the fact that I need to forgive someone and when I willingly forgive I feel like a big weight has been removed and I am lighter! It is exhilarating and it makes me all the more willing to do it again the next time.
I am also amazed at how very real and influential the pains of my past are to my current life. They have colored my opinions, influenced my personality and my default responses to life are affected, there is no doubt in my mind.
We have an amazing ministry in our church which we call "Renew" because it focuses on renewing the mind as Romans 12 tells us to do. Don't be conformed to the world, the passage says, but be transformed- changed- by the renewing of your mind.
Anyway, I have found that forgiveness is the most amazing and transforming experience. When I forgive someone, even someone who is dead and gone, it feels as though a huge rock has been taken out of the backpack that I carry through life. I feel joy!
My husband and I like to camp in the wilderness so we go to Colorado nearly every summer and we still love to hike off to remote locations. One time we carried everything we needed (except water) to live for 4 days in the wilderness. We had a filter to purify water. Our backpacks were very heavy with tent, sleeping bags, food and cooking gear. We had to hike very slowly because there is "no air" in Colorado- at least it feels that way to flat-landers.
So I have experienced first hand what it feels like to plod along with a heavy load attached to me. When we reach our camping destination we remove the huge packs and set up camp. Whenever we go day hiking we carry clean water and snacks, a rain pancho for the sudden storms that come up, maybe a few first aid items, binoculars, maybe a camera, but the load is so much lighter. It does not feel like a burden at all compared to the backpack.
That is how I feel after I have honestly come before God and examined my "load". He opens my eyes to the fact that I need to forgive someone and when I willingly forgive I feel like a big weight has been removed and I am lighter! It is exhilarating and it makes me all the more willing to do it again the next time.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Ten Years of Hell
When I was nearly 7 years old my father married a woman he had impregnated because it was the honorable thing to do. She was divorced and had two daughters already, ages 11 and 12. It was an instant family of five with number six on the way. My father thought he had done me a favor.
The troubles began right away because my pregnant step-mother despised me and so did her daughters. Six months later a baby girl was added to the family and I went from being an only child, that several aunts and uncles lovingly took care of, to being hated and part of a crowd.
My father abandoned me by working two full-time jobs, from midnight to 8a.m. and then he came home, showered, drank a pot of coffee and then worked from 9-5 at another marble quarry. He got home at 5:20 ate supper and went to bed to sleep til 11. I saw him for 15 minutes a day- at suppertime - for the next 10 years.
When I graduated from high school I joined the Women's Army because it was a ticket out of the hell I was living in. I served as a medic changing the bandages of my peers who had come back from Vietnam with their arms and legs blown off. I'd gone from one kind of hell to another. A doctor put me on anti-depressants. Life did not look good to me.
I married another medic -hopeful- because he claimed to love me. We were young and I am not even sure we knew what love was.
A few months later my father dropped dead of a heart attack.
He was 42 years old. I was 19.
My husband got an emergency leave to come home from Korea to help me bury my father since he was my "last living relative". Then we moved my things to Iowa so I could live with his parents while he finished his tour of duty in Korea. But while moving here we had a head-on collision with another car and I ended up in the hospital. The Army graciously gave my husband three additional days of emergency leave and I got pregnant.
In one week's time I had lost my father, buried him, moved to an unfamiliar place, gotten my face crushed in and gotten pregnant. And once again I was alone and despairing of life.
But just a few weeks later when I realized that there was a child growing in my belly, everything changed. I had a reason to live.
The troubles began right away because my pregnant step-mother despised me and so did her daughters. Six months later a baby girl was added to the family and I went from being an only child, that several aunts and uncles lovingly took care of, to being hated and part of a crowd.
My father abandoned me by working two full-time jobs, from midnight to 8a.m. and then he came home, showered, drank a pot of coffee and then worked from 9-5 at another marble quarry. He got home at 5:20 ate supper and went to bed to sleep til 11. I saw him for 15 minutes a day- at suppertime - for the next 10 years.
When I graduated from high school I joined the Women's Army because it was a ticket out of the hell I was living in. I served as a medic changing the bandages of my peers who had come back from Vietnam with their arms and legs blown off. I'd gone from one kind of hell to another. A doctor put me on anti-depressants. Life did not look good to me.
I married another medic -hopeful- because he claimed to love me. We were young and I am not even sure we knew what love was.
A few months later my father dropped dead of a heart attack.
He was 42 years old. I was 19.
My husband got an emergency leave to come home from Korea to help me bury my father since he was my "last living relative". Then we moved my things to Iowa so I could live with his parents while he finished his tour of duty in Korea. But while moving here we had a head-on collision with another car and I ended up in the hospital. The Army graciously gave my husband three additional days of emergency leave and I got pregnant.
In one week's time I had lost my father, buried him, moved to an unfamiliar place, gotten my face crushed in and gotten pregnant. And once again I was alone and despairing of life.
But just a few weeks later when I realized that there was a child growing in my belly, everything changed. I had a reason to live.
New Beginnings
For a long time I thought that believing in God was something that we chose or not. Now I believe that salvation is more like admitting that you are drowning and screaming out for someone to help rescue you. The screaming doesn't save you, it just draws the attention of someone who throws you a life jacket or jumps in the water to help you. You can't claim any credit for the rescue.
I do believe we need to hunger and search for God zealously, like for a hidden treasure but we can't take the credit for being "wise enough to choose God".
He chooses us, He rescues us. He gets all the credit.
Once my eyes had been opened to the truth of God, I gradually began to desire more understanding and wisdom for life. The problem was that I was discovering that I couldn't enjoy a deep relationship with God all by myself. His plan involved other people, serving them, loving them, worshipping with them, letting them teach me. His plan was that I be part of a family and community. I had no desire to open myself up and give people a chance to hurt me. People were the source of all my pain. I preferred solitude.
The pain of my childhood was still seriously affecting my ability to make good decisions, my attitude toward people, the whole course that my life was on! I was crippled by the past. I couldn't let myself love or need people because they might die or abandon me in some other way. I felt so alone and as a young adult I turned to many different substances and behaviors to dull the pain and make myself feel better.
Once I had embraced Christianity those substances and behaviors were no longer acceptable. I was convicted of my deep need for change but I felt so powerless. Some things, like smoking and swearing were fairly easy to give up- you either do them or you don't. Plus, when you hang out with a different crowd of people they can influence you to make changes by their example. Other things, like thought patterns, cynicism, critical attitudes, defensiveness, were not so easy to change. They seemed permanently ingrained in me.
Although I changed a lot of my outward behaviors my heart was still tough and alone. God would have to lead me to a place of healing and forgiveness before that would change.
I do believe we need to hunger and search for God zealously, like for a hidden treasure but we can't take the credit for being "wise enough to choose God".
He chooses us, He rescues us. He gets all the credit.
Once my eyes had been opened to the truth of God, I gradually began to desire more understanding and wisdom for life. The problem was that I was discovering that I couldn't enjoy a deep relationship with God all by myself. His plan involved other people, serving them, loving them, worshipping with them, letting them teach me. His plan was that I be part of a family and community. I had no desire to open myself up and give people a chance to hurt me. People were the source of all my pain. I preferred solitude.
The pain of my childhood was still seriously affecting my ability to make good decisions, my attitude toward people, the whole course that my life was on! I was crippled by the past. I couldn't let myself love or need people because they might die or abandon me in some other way. I felt so alone and as a young adult I turned to many different substances and behaviors to dull the pain and make myself feel better.
Once I had embraced Christianity those substances and behaviors were no longer acceptable. I was convicted of my deep need for change but I felt so powerless. Some things, like smoking and swearing were fairly easy to give up- you either do them or you don't. Plus, when you hang out with a different crowd of people they can influence you to make changes by their example. Other things, like thought patterns, cynicism, critical attitudes, defensiveness, were not so easy to change. They seemed permanently ingrained in me.
Although I changed a lot of my outward behaviors my heart was still tough and alone. God would have to lead me to a place of healing and forgiveness before that would change.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Never Really Alone
When I was a young mother my children would ask me deep questions like "why can't the kitty move anymore?" after the car had run over it. I felt a responsibilty to be able to explain something about life and death to them but I didn't really know what life was about.
Was it a gift from some powerful Being or was it just an accident?
Would I one day be held accountable for how I had lived?
I was completely lost and clueless. I waffled back and forth between drowning out the questions with drugs and alcohol and seriously seeking for life's meaning.
Then one day my eyes were opened and I knew that there was a God and that He had a plan for my life and that I would indeed be held accountable for what I did with the life He gave me. The incredibly, deep sense of aloneness, that I'd had nearly all of my life, began to go away. I had a Creator.
First Pains
My earliest memories involve me getting hurt. One time I cut my hand while standing on a chair "helping" mom peel potatoes and another time I fell down the stairs. Both times the thing that sealed the memory in my mind was my mom's hysteria. She over-reacted to my injuries probably because she was so young, she was only 16 when she had me. She lived a short life. She was only 19 when she was killed in a car accident.
Mom loved sweet, creamy treats and I remember eating pudding with her and we would make uumm sounds and giggle then take another bite and uumm again. I had just turned 3 years old when she was killed. No one would tell me where she had gone. They just told me to "go and play".
Dad and I went to live with his parents so grandma could take care of me. Grandma was a busy, hard-working farm wife but she was happy to spend time with me and she let me "help" her with all kinds of work. I quickly became attached to her and to grandpa. Our time together was short though because she died eight months later of a heart attack. I was still three.
Suddenly gone. Again. Grown ups were crying and that was frightening to me. But still, no one would tell me where she went. "Why don't you go outside and play?" That was how they responded to my questions.
So, I hardened my heart. I decided to just go outside and play-- alone.
I wouldn't count on anyone being there tomorrow.
Mom loved sweet, creamy treats and I remember eating pudding with her and we would make uumm sounds and giggle then take another bite and uumm again. I had just turned 3 years old when she was killed. No one would tell me where she had gone. They just told me to "go and play".
Dad and I went to live with his parents so grandma could take care of me. Grandma was a busy, hard-working farm wife but she was happy to spend time with me and she let me "help" her with all kinds of work. I quickly became attached to her and to grandpa. Our time together was short though because she died eight months later of a heart attack. I was still three.
Suddenly gone. Again. Grown ups were crying and that was frightening to me. But still, no one would tell me where she went. "Why don't you go outside and play?" That was how they responded to my questions.
So, I hardened my heart. I decided to just go outside and play-- alone.
I wouldn't count on anyone being there tomorrow.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Getting started
The hardest part for a lot of things is just getting started.
It can seem so overwhelming.
When I first started peace hunting, I was terrified. I had to open the dark closet of the past and look at the junk I'd packed away in there. I was afraid to open the door, afraid of the avalanche that might cascade down and crush me. But somehow, with the help of supportive people on a similar journey, I began and once I had a taste of peace there was no turning back, I wanted more.
That is why I decided to blog. I want to tell my story in the hopes that others will believe there can be an end to the emotional pain and they can enter a place of peace and calm. If I can do it- others can too.
It can seem so overwhelming.
When I first started peace hunting, I was terrified. I had to open the dark closet of the past and look at the junk I'd packed away in there. I was afraid to open the door, afraid of the avalanche that might cascade down and crush me. But somehow, with the help of supportive people on a similar journey, I began and once I had a taste of peace there was no turning back, I wanted more.
That is why I decided to blog. I want to tell my story in the hopes that others will believe there can be an end to the emotional pain and they can enter a place of peace and calm. If I can do it- others can too.
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